What the patient wants: narcotics
What the patient expects: to call and ask to speak to Dr. No-narcs, thus ascertaining whether or not he should come in or wait for another day. Better yet, ask to speak to Dr. Santa Claus to ask a question, or ask to speak to any doctor for advice.
What actually occurs: No name shall pass my ruby red lips. I stonewall, hedge, hinder, thwart, oppose, hamper, block, resist, oppose or impede any efforts on the patient's behalf to get the information. Over my cold, dead body. I'm really good at rebuffs, too.
What the patient wants: weekend off
What the patient expects: that we will write a work excuse for an injury that occurred two weeks ago and wasn't even worthy of 1/2 day off then.
What actually occurs: come in for an exam. It's been two weeks, at most you will get a note giving the day of your visit.
What the patient wants: an ER visit that takes 10 minutes because she has to pick up her kids
What the patient expects: that her oh-so-minor complaint such as poison ivy deserves top priority and to be attended to ahead of chest pain, abdominal pain and head injuries because it "only takes a few seconds" to examine, treat, and write her a prescription.
What actually occurs: I waste 10 minutes of my life that I will never get back triaging and then explaining that her ass will be in the waiting room about an hour, so she leaves in a huff without being seen.
What the patient wants: whatever Dr. Google, Dr. Oz, or Dr. As Seen on TV prescribes
What the patient expects: magic cure
What actually occurs: the
What the patient wants: improving his odds of early demise from worsening obesity, diabetes, COPD and heart disease after a lifetime of non-compliance
What the patient expects: that there is a magic bullet that will extend his dismal life expectancy
What actually occurs: There is not a whole hell of a lot we can fix in one ER visit.
What the patient wants: me to drop everything and call the pharmacy right away with your prescription for foot fungus
What the patient expects: to pick up it up in under 5 minutes so she won't be inconvenienced
What actually happens: you have been a rude pain in my ass from the moment you hit the door, so I phone in your prescription at 5:05 PM, leaving it on the recorded line. The pharmacist picks those messages up every hour on the hour. Buh-bye.