Hospitals have scripting and behavioral expectations for staff, why should we not hold patients to a higher standard? How about a little accountability for unacceptable language, profanity, and inappropriate expressions?
I offer a guide for alternative language; scripting for patients if you will.
Instead of: "Why do you have to ask so many fu*king questions?
You might try: Forgive my impatience, my good woman. Would you kindly assist me in understanding why you need to know what medicines I take and how it is relevant to any treatment I might receive for my chronic, debilitating, and narcotic-requiring back problem? I would like to be an active participant in my care.
Instead of: "I have a mother-fu*king toothache, my pain is through the roof. I can't afford no fu*ing dentist. Just hook me up with pain pills, bitch"
You might try: "Alas, dear lady, I am irretrievably guilty of neglecting my dental health and am suffering from yet another exacerbation of uncontrollable pain. I can imagine that it seems inconceivable that I have allowed this situation to deteriorate to this degree. I regret that my current financial situation severely curtails my ability to offer adequate monetary compensation to a dental professional as I would be unable to purchase cigarettes, liquor, or marijuana. Would it be at all possible to provide me with some additional narcotic pain relievers?"
Instead of: "I am sicker than anybody in this shit hole and I shouldn't have to wait for a room"
You might try: Please excuse me if I seem short-tempered, but might I respectfully request that my condition be re-assessed? I understand that my man-cold is not especially urgent, but I do believe this illness seems to have escalated in the 10 minutes I have been asked to repose in the anteroom"
Instead of: Any expressions such as "Coochy pain", "Kicked in the scrote", "My girlfriend/boyfriend gave me some nasty-ass infection in my pu**y/dick".
You might try: I regret that I have a matter of some....delicacy to discuss. Please forgive me if I offend you with any unacceptable slang, but...oh, I blush to say it...I have an injury/possible disease in my nether regions.
Instead of: "I fired my doctor because he/she is the world's biggest douche bag. He blew me off when I asked for an increase in my pain meds because he thinks I am full of shit".
You might try: I am currently between primary care providers, thank you. We have come to an amicable parting of ways and I find myself in an unaccustomed awkward position. Might I beg your indulgence in providing me with just a few of my usual analgesics just to tide me over until I have engaged another primary care provider?
Instead of: "What the hell am I waiting for?"
You might try: Excuse me, I completely understand that you are very busy caring for people much sicker than I am. When you have a moment, might I trouble you for an update?
Instead of: "You are all a bunch of bitches/ c*ck suckers," etc.
You might try: I would just like to thank you so much for the excellent care you have provided me today. I would love to let your administrators know how great my visit has been"
Let's raise the bar a little, people.