Saturday, July 28, 2012

No Medals for Poor Performance

Mr. Ednurseasauras called to inquire if I was able to watch any of the Olympic Opening Ceremony with doctor's and nurses jumping around and dancing with beds.  I had no idea what he was talking about until later.  "Nope.  I'm watching patients hit the fan".  This was not a literal statement, but I did have parents bring in a  baby whose head was struck by a  ceiling fan in motion as mom lifted him over her head.  No actual baby parts were injured.

A 19 year old female was observed exiting the car via Magic Cam and crossing the parking lot accompanied by a young male.  Said 19 year old then performed the oh-so-graceful-ever-so-gentle drop to the floor where she sat partially supported by the young male.  "She passed out!"

Yawn.  Wheelchair was deployed to lobby.  Young female is clearly not unconscious.  "Get up", I whispered loudly in her ear.  Young female complied and sat in the wheelchair.

Young female was apparently found "passed out" by her car in the driveway by Male companion.  She was nauseous yesterday.  Went to work today and didn't eat much, but managed to have a few sips of Budweiser for sustenance before taking a dive in the driveway.

Yawn, yawn.  Vital signs, EKG, labs, blood sugar all shockingly normal.  Not pregnant.  Run in a liter of saline.

She was pretty much ignored for the next hour since her arrival signaled the floodgates to open wide.  I was busy, busy.  Male companion had left the building also, becoming disinterested withYoung female's sub-standard dramatic acting skills.

Apparently Young female got bored because she wasn't getting enough attention, so she took out the generous 18g IV I had so graciously placed for her well being.   "I'm ready to leave", she said.

"Yeah, no. Sit.  Stay.  Good girl.  Be with you in a minute"

In the Possum Olympics, you have failed in the Qualifying Round and will not medal.

I love the Olympics, but I just can't watch the female weight lifting.  Those little tiny girls doing clean and jerk....I have to look away because I am expecting those weights to land on top of them and squash them like bugs.  Or that their arms will splinter like glass or their knees to pop out.

There isn't much I will try to lift these days as I have too many years of work ahead of me to risk injury.    For the most part,  I really don't have to lift much.  Most of the time it's drama like Young female.  It is fascinating that people can be compelled to RISE on command because I tell them I cannot support them: "You WILL hit the floor".   It is almost always women whose sense of self-preservation takes precedence over the need for attention.








8 comments:

Anne said...

LMAO

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suzanne smith said...

My oh so favorite jump to your feet remedy? Ammonia stick. Shove one under their nose and Viola...one awake patient

EDNurseasauras said...

@ Suzanne: Agree. When I was in nursing school, we were taught to tape one on the shoulder of our uniforms when we were ambulating fresh post-op abdominal surgical patients. If you had one, then you wouldn't need it, therefore we referred to ammonia sticks as "rabbit's foot".

hoodnurse said...

I totally use that trick, only with pseduoseizure patients. So, if you had to give this performance a score with ten being the highest, what did this young lady get and how high do you need to qualify?

EDNurseasauras said...

Well, it got a 4 but I had to deduct 3 points for pulling out her own IV. So she wound up with a 1. This is a would class competition so I would expect no less than a 7.7 to qualify for the medal round

hoodnurse said...

A 1? She has disgraced her country forever. We really need to stop letting China poach all our world class flopping coaches.

EDNurseasauras said...

hahaha!!