Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Dear Attention Seeking "insincere detox" person….

I get that you have a problem.  I'm sorry for that, and I do want you to get the help you need.

You have been through this before, as evidenced by the detox playbook you seem to be using.
But the ER is just not the place for you to expect that all of your dreams will come true, and I'm just too damned busy right now to deal with your toxic lack of coping skills.

You arrived around noon-time, having consumed your breakfast beer and wine.  And you reek of pot.

Because you also claimed to be suicidal,  you ensured that you will be immediately whisked into a room, changed into paper safety jammies, your belongings locked up,  and one-to-one or video surveillance 100% of the time.  In record time your drug and alcohol (and pregnancy test because you are a female of child bearing age) urine and blood tests are collected.  By all means let me get the concierge to get started on your list of demands urgent life saving interventions needs right away:

-your lunch order,  turkey sandwich with mayo, lettuce and tomato on whole wheat, with french fries, fruit, and ice cream for dessert.  Per your specifications.
-endless ginger ale with "just a little ice", because you are just so parched
-the use of your cell phone (always at the discretion of your nurse….me. I have other patients, but more on that shortly)
-ativan, ativan, ativan for your "shakes", although you seem to forget that we have a video camera on at all times, and your "shakes" are not in evidence until someone walks into the room.
-extra pillows and warm blankets
-the TV remote
-the lights dimmed
-taking your order at 3 PM for supper, even though you have just eaten lunch
-asking for all of your daily scheduled meds because "you didn't have time to take them before you came"
-repeated requests to see the doctor, for your headache, finger boo-boo, sore back.
-repeated requests to see the social worker (who won't even look at you until your blood alcohol is at the required level and not one minute before.  Also there are four people ahead of you, it will be 6 hours at least)
-repeated requests to see the nurse for updates on lab results and to use your cell phone
-request for another pair of slippers
-request to take a shower
-asking for a Nicoderm patch.
-another vomit bag because "I threw up in this one".  Um, nope, that's spit.  Spitting into a bag does not equal vomit.  Vomit would have also included the groceries you just threw down your neck 40 minutes ago
-puzzled, then pissed because I removed the food from your room because now you claim to be nauseous
-asking yet again to see the social worker sooner rather than later because you have "been through this before, and I would really like to be cleared here and admitted to the Psych Unit before bed time"

This has been in the last 2 hours.  Thankfully I have a nursing assistant who can deflect some of these demands  requests, although she makes me aware of each and everyone.  She is a lovely woman, but the way, not that you care, but know that her eyes are rolling each time you push your buzzer.  Every 30 seconds.

You are not my only drunk today, dear.  I have two others who are fortunately sleeping it off before they get their turkey sandwich and are ready to head back to the bar since they are not suicidal and don't want detox.  Again.  And, since this is not a psych holding unit but an emergency department, I have medical patients who need me too.

I know you don't give a rat's ass, but you self-centered nonsense has sucked my attention away from a woman having a miscarriage of twins.  She chose none of that, and she deserved some of my empathy today, I obviously had a surplus since you killed all I had in reserve for you.

I'll end by being classy, maybe something you could work on for your next visit to the Detox Hotel.