Saturday, June 11, 2011

Dear Parent, an Open Letter

Dear Parent,
First of all, I want to congratulate you on your adorable children; all six of them.  I can't see that many of them resemble you; perhaps they take after their father(s). How nice that you have brought them all with you tonight so that you could get that painful bunion examined.  I know what a chore it can be to make doctor's appointments for yourself when you are so busy; it is no wonder you haven't had any time in the last 3 months it has been bothering you.

I regret that I am unable to feed / water / toilet / or otherwise entertain them.  I would give you a book to read to them while you wait, but since you assured me that TV takes care of all of their literary needs there is no point.

They certainly are a spirited bunch, aren't they?  Not everyone is as effective in your style of free-form parenting; they sure don't like to hear the word "No", do they?

I would like to just point out that making a fort out of the waiting room furniture isn't the best idea since many of our other patients would also like to sit down.  Out of common courtesy, perhaps you could remove one or two of the younger children so that our elderly patients also have a seat; I know you were there first, but I am merely suggesting it as a token of good will towards others.  Think of it as a teaching moment.

In addition, I regret to tell you that your children, while enthusiastic, have no talent for origami, so would you please discourage the destruction of EVERY magazine?  Yes, they are old, but we have a limited selection as it is.

I have, in conclusion, one small request that you refrain from referring to your children as "little bastards; I understand that is a term of endearment, but the majority of our clientele don't see it that way.

Again, thank you for sharing your delightful children with us today.