Friday, June 22, 2012

Always Something

Tonight we had the great good fortune to work with my favorite relatively new employee in the lab.  Meet Wednesday Addams.  Wednesday apparently got the job because she is best friends with her manager, the stalwart Morticia, who never smiles.  I routinely hang up on her, along with EGK troll.  I don't expect either Morticia or Wednesday to last too long in their current positions.

Wednesday, though, incites another whole level of homicidal thoughts.  She lacks the ability to think outside the box.  In fact a box is probably the safest place for her.  She is constantly asking the secretaries, X-ray tech or nurses to do her job; make phone calls to doctors, patients, or other labs.  Do pediatric blood draws.  Find paper towels. Figure out computer stuff.  Turn on the faucet.  Here is an example:

Wednesday: "Hi I'm really busy, I have to (insert busy work here: QA's, outpatient's, finding stickers).  Do you know how to (insert query here: see above)?  Will you (insert task here: i.e., anything in her job description) for me?  

I don't mind helping, but it is not reciprocated; it never is.  She doesn't seem to want to learn how to empower herself, find out the answer by doing, trying, experimenting or calling one of her colleagues if she can't get her equipment to work.  Tonight Wednesday was unable to get some results to print, so...... did we know how to copy?

Kate:  (exasperated) "You mean like on the copy machine?  It's over there!"

Wednesday stared blankly at the copier for a few minutes, then asked nobody in particular, "Is this on?"  No doubt it seemed very complicated, with all of those dials, buttons, flashy lights and shiny knobs.

There it is.  Just what we've been searching for.  Thank you, Thing.

You Did NOT Just Say That

We sent out a woman several years younger than me for further testing.  Abdominal pain, nausea, fever.  She gave her stated weight as a conservative (I'd say overly generous) 375 at last weigh-in about 2 years ago.  I don't say this to be cruel or uncaring, but as a courtesy to the ambulance crew who was transporting; it would be uncool for them to drop people because they are unprepared with the right number of personnel.  Size does sometimes matter.  She was a very nice lady, and she was much more comfortable at the time of transfer thanks to minuscule doses of meds for pain and nausea.

The EMT/Paramedic crew took report, and agreed that an ACLS transport was unnecessary.  The paramedic was busy training a new guy anyway, so the ensuing conversation took place out of her earshot.  I wish it had taken place out of mine.

Male EMT to female EMT: "OK, do you want to drive or tech"
Female EMT: "It doesn't matter, whatever you want"
Male EMT: "Well, why don't you tech, since it is a female patient.  That way you can have the girl on girl action"

Dead silence (except for the sound of my head hitting the underside of the desk as I drove under it to muffle my laughter).