Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Crap Notes

I don't know why hospitals feel compelled to put bulletin boards in bathrooms designated for use by nurses. That is just EXACTLY what I want to do when I run in for a moment's relievment before ascites sets in: look at a bunch of messy notes, memos, bulletins, threats and various and sundry missives begging for donations.

Let's take a quick-look tour of said bulletin board, shall we? I will lock the door for my privacy.

Here is a poster that has been up for 2 months now advertising a fundraiser for Haiti. The event date is sometime in May. We will be "dancing the night away" to some band called The Casuals, and there will be a cash bar, raffles and fun, fun, fun. Hmm. Nope, don't plan to attend as it is run by Darlings of the Mother Ship with whom I have no contact. I am boycotting anyway since Administration refused to reimburse in any way nurses who have volunteered for humanitarian missions. Sherry was deployed to Haiti for two weeks, was home for a week, then went on her annual trip to Guyana (at her own expense). Not that she expected any financial remuneration, but you would think a catholic hospital would be more charitable; the party line here is, I guess, charity does emphatically not begin at home. However, any employee who wished could give up some of their earned time to help out. Mmmmm kay?

Here is another: Bring Your Child to Work Day sometime in April. (Grandchildren also welcome!!). This is not imply that the little darlings get to stay with mummy or daddy (or Granny and Gramps). Nope, the kids will be herded to the cafeteria and fed hot chocolate, given coloring books and stickers and probably be made to join hands in a circle to sing Kum Ba Ya. Then an exciting tour of "materials management, food services, the front lobby and out patient services area" will ensue, followed by a free lunch. This effectively keeps the younguns out of the very clinical areas in which we are attempting to interest them. If mum or dad is a nurse, sorry, you don't get to see them performing amazing feats of nursing care. I am not sure how this fiesta would promote careers in health care, but if my kids were young I would have signed them up tout de suite. I did everything in my power to discourage health care careers with both K and J, and have thus far been successful. I had a bit of a scare when K decided on a career in social work knowing that population sucks the life right out of you. Fortunately, she decided that while the practice of social work was distasteful, the study of sociology was sublime. So she majored in that, and minored in English. Ah, I would love to minor in English, but it is just not possible with my BSN program. No minors allowed, haha.

There are several memos on the bulletin board for CPR, ACLS, PALS and the like. One of them has listed all the personnel who require such certifications and the expiration dates; I notice that the name of the woman who died last year is on the list. Talk about expired.

There are more notes to "join this, read this". Oh, here is one for CPI class. Now, this is Crisis Prevention Institute, which "trains human service professionals in ways to safely manage disruptive and assaultive behavior". Here's how I handle it: 911. These classes used to teach about one hours worth of self defense maneuvers, surely enough to keep you REALLY safe until the wheezing, overweight and geriatric security guard shuffles on in with his walker. Urgh. This is a mandated course so that the bean counters can check off one of those distasteful little chores, likely mandated to them by JCAHO, Homeland Security or the ASPCA. Violence in health care is pervasive, haven't you heard that 75% of nurses have experienced workplace violence. If that isn't a ringing endorsement for recruitment. I have been pushing administration for years to let us have tasers. I know that there is pepper spray in a foam available, but how about if it was more like Silly String? That would be awesome.

A flyer for the Northeast symposium for ER nurses has the usual offerings of panels, discussions, lectures and vendors. But act now and you can get on a romantic dinner cruise on Lake Champlain on Maid of the Mist, or whatever. Nah. Heard there was a monster in there.

OK, one more. I love this. It is for the Sunshine fund. Gotta love the Sunshine fund. Lee runs the Sunshine fund with all the attention to detail that was not evident in any of the banking scandals of 2009; with an iron fist. I don't think that $36 a year is unreasonable, and look at the perks. Fruit baskets and flowers. For all occasions! It does specify the conditions for which one might receive an honorarium. Ahem. Hospitalization (inpatient) of employee, spouse, or child. Death of employee, spouse, child or parent of employee. Birth of a child of an employee. Graduation of employee from an institute of higher learning, either graduate or undergraduate. Although my boss got a party when she finished her Master's degree. If I ever get mine, screw the fruit basket and just send me a gift certificate for a massage. There are some situations that aren't covered, for example, our housekeeper attained US citizenship and he got a nice fruit basket. And one of the ladies in the lab got remarried. Wonder why the newly divorced don't get fruit baskets? Shit, I'm beginning to sound like Andy Rooney. I hate Andy Rooney. So last year Mr. Ednurseasauras was hospitalized with a nasty infection in his hand (due to a near fatal goring with a tree branch when he was hiking Mt. Washington). About 2 weeks later, I got an envelope containing a $50 gift certificate to a very nice restaurant along with a profuse apology from Lee for not having acted immediately to acknowledge my husbands pain and suffering. Lee prides herself on flawless accounting, diligent collection of funds, and instantaneous provision of tokens of sympathy and congratulations. Mr. Ednursesauras had knee surgery 3 months later, and the fruit basket was in my kitchen when we returned from the Big City. I wrote a lovely thank you note and requested to be passed over if anymore of my family (or myself) became ill so as not to be asked to pay double the following year. So far, so good. Enjoyed the fruit, too.