Friday, September 14, 2012

Lunatic Fringe, I Know You're Out There

"Oh, I know her", Ellen whispered as the patient was ushered into a treatment room.  "I think she moved away, I hope she hasn't moved back.  She hasn't been here for YEARS, but she used to come in alllllllll the time for a bunch of things and it always had to do with pain everywhere.  She never shuts up.  And.  She looks awful"

More like 8 miles bad road.

"She is 3 years younger than me!", whispered Partner in Crime.  She was mid-50's and looked 70.  

It was Crayzee Dog Lady, allergic to 17 different meds including oxycontin, nsaids, several different anti-seizure meds, 3 different kinds of band-aids.  I gave up on an allergy bracelet.  Her med list was horrific.  CDL clearly relished her role as Medical Mystery and of course being Chronically Sicker Than Anyone Else on the Planet, having the World's Worst Case of Everything Puzzling Under the Sun.

To make a long story short, she wanted pain meds for her excruciating rib pain.  Seems her Emotional Companion Dog in Training, an enormous 8 month old Doberman over whom she had absolutely no control, had pulled her down.  See, this is the reason why you need to actually TRAIN dogs.

CDL had an x-ray (negative) and moaned and groaned in her room while we waited for records from her latest admission at another hospital.  When she wasn't in an out of her room informing us how sick she was and how much she seems to enjoy talking about herself and her maladies, her own favorite subject and bestest hobby.  She was eventually given a dose of Vicodin with the stipulation that she get a ride home.

"Oh, my friends are on their way from Walmart.  It shouldn't be long"

45 minutes later no sign of the friends.  "There must be a lot of traffic", she said.  Not on Sunday night.

"She's waiting for us to turn our backs so she can scarper out the door", I said.  We are wise to that.

"She probably takes about 1,000 mg of oxy's a day, but we're still liable if she hits someone", said Partner in Crime.

Eventually CDL stated she was going out to the car to let the dog out.  WTF.

"Don't drive", I called as she walked out the door.  I should have just let her leave.

She brought the dog in to the ER.  With all of her pain.  A ginormous doberman.  The American's With Disabilities Act has some specific guidelines for what is and is not considered a service dog.  An untrained doberman?  Not so much and do I have to balls to tell her to get out?  Nope.  Because that would be considered insensitive, right?  Would my employer back me up?  Hell no.

"You need to keep that door shut".  Banging, clanging, dog whining, CDL yelling "heel!  heel!"

Eventually three genetically challenged looking individuals arrive.  "You can take her home, right now".

One of the  more intelligent looking said ominously, "We have to talk to her".

I waited exactly 45 seconds then banged on the door.

The Three Amigos were standing around watching this woman with excruciating, severe, debilitating pain bent over and mopping up the floor.  The sheet was off the bed.  The dog was actually ON the bed, placidly watching the sideshow.

"Please tell me that dog did not have an accident in my treatment room", I said icily.

"Fluffy knocked over my soda can!  It was an accident!  He's just so busy!"

Me: "You all need to leave.  Right now.  I have to get my housekeeper to completely decontaminate this room"

CDL: "We haven't worked out the details of how to get......"

Me: "I mean it.  You all need to leave immediately, this is just plain rude.  Take the dog and all of you settle this outside.  This is not fair to the next patient who needs this room."

CDL: "But I....."

Me: "Go.  Now."

Off they went.  I felt badly for the poor little housekeeper who said there was soda everywhere.

This just frosts my a$$.  Legitimate service dogs are needed by individuals with disabilities.  Lovely well trained service dogs.  What happens to all these great service dogs if this kind of shit is allowed to go on because crazy people declare that their untrained mutts wearing tutu's and Laker's jackets are necessary for their emotional support?  I heard of one guy who's service animal was mauled by what was actually simply a pet that went unchallenged in a store.  Now he has an injured and emotionally destroyed and useless service dog because someone decided the rules did not apply.  Does this make any sense?