Friday, November 25, 2011

Snatch Purse

Ellen was the one who cut the article out of the local paper.  One of our frequent patients had been arrested for stealing money from her friend in the amount of $2000.  She ran to a neighbor's garage where police recovered about $120 in a bottle of ant killer.  Although she denied stealing any money, having any money on her person, or having any connection whatsoever with cash in the bottle she later copped to having hidden roughly $1,654 in her vagina.  She was taken into police custody after turning the cash over to the police.  Nasty.

This, of course, prompted a discussion of the  possible denominations she had managed to secret upon her skanky person as we pondered the required capacity. 

"'l'll bet it was 16 hundreds, 2 twenties, 1 ten and 4 ones"
"Maybe it was all in silver dollars"
"How about a Traveler's check?"
"Nah, it had to have been $1,654 ones."
"Gold doubloons!"

I am only using my debit card from now on.  My mother is right, money is dirty.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Actual Dictation

"Patient is a 23 year old female well nourished and well developed in no acute distress.  She is a recent graduate from collagen but is seeking employment".

No doubt her job hunting is in the field of esthetics.

Friday, November 18, 2011

You Might Be a Squirrel If....

1.  Your husband gives your date of birth when I ask you for same along with the correct spelling of your last name as a patient identifier before I administer your meds, and
2.  He also assures me, as you describe you 10/10 pain, that you "have a really high pain threshold and tolerance to pain meds" and
3.  I had to ask you to get off your cell phone when I  entered your darkened room.

The next guy
1. You are slumped dramatically in the chair and state you have "pain everywhere", you always have pain and that your foot injury from three weeks ago "brings tears to your eyes".  Your foot injury that you never had checked, and
2.  The only medication you can take is Dilaudid, your pain doctor only gives you a 'script for 12 at a time, you took your last Dilaudid yesterday, and
3.  You didn't volunteer any of this; I had to pry it out of you, and
4.  Your pain is "15/10". 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Happy Blogiversary to Me!

Hard to believe it has been four years since I started this blog.  Where has time gone?

What started out  as rant/journal/self-expression/writing exercise has evolved into an empire: NY Times Best Seller, international acclaim and personal appearances, and now a lucrative movie deal.  Actresses under consideration to play the role of EDNurseasauras are Glenn Close, Kathy Bates,  Helen Mirren (with an American accent of course), and Olympia Dukakis.  Those of you who know me personally may have some ideas. 

Yeah, right.  It amazes me that anyone actually reads any of this or that I haven't run out of things to say.  Oh sure, I 've taken time off from time to time but have always come back.

And so have you, dear readers.  I thank you.

Friday, November 11, 2011


I found this on the company website:
Marketing needs your help!! We are missing our beige pushcart that has the words "Marketing Department" written on the side of the cart. If you have seen this cart can you please return it to the "Marketing Department" on the ground floor next to the Credit Union or call XX at ext. XXXXX. Thanks.

Hey "Marketing Department":
Someone has "appropriated" your beige pushcart.  It is not coming back anytime soon.  Today the push cart, tomorrow your entire department.  You suck.  Get a clue. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

On Gilding the Lily

 It doesn't take a genius to figure out the scammers.  Drug seekers will often have an elaborate story, which just as often doesn't add up.  Striving for the perfect combination of symptomatology and believability that will yield a score takes talent and experience.  The newbies are spotted a mile away. 

One misguided very young female and her skievey male accomplice in search of the ever-elusive narcotic script said she had "blacked out" while at  Subway 5 days ago.  She had been taking Tylenol and Advil for her terrible headache ever since.

I backed up the bus.  "Blacked out?"
Woman: "I was waiting to order.  My head has been really hurting ever since"
Me: "Did you lose consciousness?"
Woman: "Yes. The top of my head is where it hurts.  And I feel dizzy"
Me: "Did you hit your head?", "Did you go to the ER or see your doctor?"
Woman: "I was told I hit it on the counter.  No, I didn't see doctor.  I've been trying to take care of my really bad headache on my own.  But I've had the headache for 5 days now non-stop"
Me: "Were you at all concerned about blacking out?"
Woman: "Not really.  I'm more concerned about the headache"

Sigh.  She answered yes to the presence of nausea, photophobia, lightheadedness, aversion to sound, having no appetite, and allergy to cats, bees, codeine, Tramadol, Imitrex (although she denied a history of migraines).  She also reminded me three more times about her 9/10 headache.

See, she way overshot the mark here and simply added too much embellishment.  Concern about "Blacking out" and head injury trumps persistent headache. This will not garner narcotics,  but it WILL buy head CT. 

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Power Up

It has been a rough week here in the northeastern US thanks to Snowtober, or the Hallow-easter.  Snow before Halloween, what's up with that.  Didn't care much that Trick or Treating was postponed since I didn't buy any candy, but I never get any kids anyway. The heavy snow caused downed trees, tree limbs and power lines snapped off, which shut down everything.  Power outages have lasted anywhere from several hours to days, with varying levels of inconvenience  Mine was out for 3 1/2 days, bad enough but not as awful as being without for 6 or 7 days.  Still, 3 days of cold, powerless, flushless captivity can get the best of anyone.  The generator was handy for running a little heater since our pellet stove was on the fritz, but is was mainly boredom and cold.  I spent hours in my car driving around to nowhere in particular.

The building where I work has quite a nice shower available for use in the evenings and was quickly dubbed "the spa".  The main topic under discussion at any gathering was, of course, power and the lack thereof. 
Early in the week, the questions were ordered thus:
1.  "Do you have power?" 2.  "Do you have a generator?".  3.  "Do you have heat?
Mid week:
1. "Did you lose power?"  2.  "When did you get it back?"  3.  "Do you have a generator?"
Late in the week:
1.  "Still no power?"  2.  "When are you buying a generator?"
After day 7 without power:
"You must be really pissed".

Ah, the generator.  A household must that never crossed my mind to procure before I moved to the Frozen Tundra.  When it comes to generators, there is an order of supremacy. First, there are the "haves" and the "have-nots".  People without generators are the have-nots, pitiful souls at the mercy of the elements, doomed to move to a hotel or worse, the in laws.  Those with the foresight and just plain good old Yankee common sense and Boy Scout-level of preparedness...well, obviously those are the haves.  As in having heat, water and flush toilets, a fridge, some lights, a way to charge the cell phone, DVD's for the kiddies who can't read or otherwise haven't the first clue on how to entertain themselves, and maybe even....the Internet".
(cue Angelic choir and Heavenly light).

It is not enough simply to OWN a generator,but rather how big it is and how it is utilized.  There is Generator Envy, the bigger and more powerful the better.   It is a guy thing.  Like cars, which I don't care about.

The top of the line, Whole House generator (again, cue Angelic choir and Heavenly light) apparently requires only an insignificant flick of a switch and presto!  You have power without skipping a beat.  It is pretty pricey, the top dog for generator supremacy. 

Many people go for the less expensive option, the portable, gasoline powered generator in order to plug a few extension cords.  It works just fine. The problem with a gas-powered generator, we discovered, is that in a widespread power outage GAS IS INACCESSIBLE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES POWER TO PUMP GAS.

There are alternative fuel sources like natural gas.  Mr. Ednurseasauras had already scheduled an electrician to install a transfer switch in the basement so that 6 or 7 different electrical...things... could be run off the generator without using 20 extension cords.  Unfortunately, it was scheduled for the day after we got our power back, but hey, we are all set if it happens again.  That, and the 40 gallons of gas he plans to have just in case. 

Of course, turning on the generator with this new set up could be dicey.  When the electrician left, Mr. Ednursesauras wanted to show me how to run it....just in case.
Me: "Nah, I don't want to learn right now"
Mr. EdN: "It's easy"
Me: "Yeah, right that's what you said about turning off the generator.  As I recall, you also said that about the snow blower"

I am envisioning two sets of launch codes, confirmation codes, a variety of pre-launch procedures and checklists,and simultaneous turning of identical keys to get the generator started.  After confirming, of course, that the power outage is genuine and not simply a drill.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Cry Me a River

I don't mind people using the Internet to look stuff up except when they are too stupid to use the information correctly, then try to tell me I'M the idiot. 

Ms. Dumass: "I have a severe lacrimation*"
Me: "You have....watery eyes?"
Ms. Dumass: "No!  Don't you know medical terminology??  I have a bad cut on my foot!"
Me: "Ah, I apologize.  I thought you said 'severe lacrimation'"
Ms. Dumass: "Yes, of course, that's what I said, a lacrimation!"

Some days it's just not worth bothering to try to educate nasty people who are dumber than a box of rocks.  Please don't use big words you don't understand, it merely serves to emphasize your stupidity.  Thank you. 

*For non-medical types, that would be an excessive secretion of tears.  Cut=laceration.  So very dissimilar.