Friday, February 29, 2008

Dream Sign for Triage (well, it IS customer service, isn't it?)

Heh, heh. I had to chuckle at Girlvet's triage warfare.

Here is my dream sign for triage:

1. Please do not ask how long the wait is. We are doing our best to serve you.
2. Patients are seen in the order of severity of illness or injury, not "first come, first served"
3. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency. If you need a prescription refilled or have a chronic problem, please see your PCP.
4. Triage is not a popularity contest, nor does the person who wails the loudest automatically get in ahead of someone who is legitimately ill or just very quietly suffering.
5. Save the drama for your Mama. See #3.
6. If this is your third or more visit with the same non-urgent complaint this week and you have not followed any of your discharge instructions from your previous visits, we probably can't do anything more for you. Most of our advice is based on common sense, and there is no prescription for a congenital absence thereof.
7. If you are checking in with abdominal pain or vomiting, please do not avail yourself of the delicious snacks in the vending machine. For that matter, please do not eat the Big Mac you have brought with you.
8. Please be courteous to the staff and others who share the waiting area; screaming and using foul language only serves to piss us off, and Pseudocity Police station have way less comfy beds in their holding cells. And your bail will be more than your co-pay. Not that you'd pay it anyway.
9. Please do not inquire as to why someone has been brought in to be seen ahead of you. The triage nurse is very experienced, and if she thought you were as sick as you think you are, you would be in a bed too. Besides, it is none of your business and privacy laws exist to protect, well, privacy.
10. If your condition has changed or become worse, please do let us know and we will be happy to reassess you. Please be aware that the decision of the triage nurse is final, and faking a seizure is not cool.
11. Please watch your own children and be responsible for their needs. We cannot give everyone a turkey sandwich. Your medical care may be paid for by the government, but if you can afford cigarettes, a cell phone, and a videogame for each of your 5 children, you are expected to feed them.
12. "Pregnancy test" is really not a reason to come to the ER.