Friday, October 30, 2009

Today's Last Patient of the Night

From time to time I will try to keep you amused with stories about our final patient before we close. Last night we had the young man whose chief complaint was:

"I went to the bathroom and there was a bug"

The young man stated that he got really drunk and had a one night stand. He was so drunk, he said, that he couldn't even remember when it happened. Having casual, unprotected sex while intoxicated gave him a nice souvenir of the occasion. Even if he couldn't remember it. Or the woman. In fact, it gave him several hundred souvenirs.

He was in his 20's, and he was: With. His. Mother. She sat right there in triage and kept saying disgustedly "I can't believe you got drunk and caught critters"

Really. All things considered, I can't believe he actually had sex.

I never want to examine these type of complaints too carefully because the little buggers can jump; I leave that to our highly paid board certified emergency physicians. Besides, I would have had to put on my glasses and really PEER intently at his crotch. Frankly, I don't get paid enough to do that.

He went on his merry way with his prescription for Kwell with Mom still berating him. I felt kind of bad for him cause he was a little clueless. Still can't believe he had sex.