Saturday, May 5, 2012

May 5 Hijinks

So this massive full moon on May 5 has certainly brought out some interesting specimens.

A 13 year old skater-chick came in who had fallen 4 hours previously.  Her douche-tard father CALLED 911 to get the phone number of the ER to see if we were open.  "Dad....that was really stupid.  You could have just Googled the phone number from your phone".   Couldn't have been his natural child as she had an abundance of native intelligence.

The usual Friday / Saturday night morphine-seeking migraine came in at her usual hour before closing.

Me: "Jeez, she's here every weekend.  Doesn't she have something better to do on a Saturday night?  Couldn't she just go to a movie if she's bored?"
Kate:  "Why not just have a fu*king Margarita and call it a night?"
Me: "Cinco de Migraine is celebrated with morphine apparently".
Gil:  "She's been overusing, I've seen her the last 4 out of 6 weekends"
Me: "That's only because you were off two of those weekends"
Gil: "Well, she can have her neurologist write a letter.  She's shut off"

From the "Your Doctor Lied to You to Get You to Come to the ER" files:
Woman: "Yeah, I called my doctor and was told to come in to get my liver checked, hee hee"
Me: "Why?"
Woman: "I took a few too many Tylenol, and she said it might damage my liver, so I should have some blood drawn (snicker)"
She had taken 25 tablets of Tylenol, 500 mg each 26 hours previously.  No, you don't get your blood checked and then get to go home, you are now at serious risk for liver failure and / or death.  Guess what?  Tylenol overdose is not funny.  You get admitted to the ICU with a 1:1 suicide watch.  I wish people would understand that just because you can buy something over the counter, or is "natural", or "organic" does NOT mean it is harmless. The antidote for Tylenol overdose is drinking a butt-load of liquid that smells like rotten eggs without puking, and pray that your liver makes it through.  The medic that transferred my patient noted "she was really sad" on the way to her hospital bed.  "Well, I was pretty clear that this was a very serious thing; when she came in she was all giggly and acting like it was no big deal".    
I have seen this lady several times because she is also diabetic (on oral meds) and occasionally runs out of, fails to take or forgets to take, doesn't pick up her prescription, etc, etc then comes in with nausea and DKA, haha isn't that so silly of me.  I think she really stepped in it this time.

A 52 year old man came in with toothache for 2 months and stated he had a "Dental Emergency".
Emergency?  Nope.  Dumber than a bag of hammers.

A 20-something female in excess of 300 pounds came in with nasal congestion.  "Any medications?" I asked.  "Only pre-natal vitamins", she replied.  Oh.  So you're pregnant, I...oh, never mind.  WTF, Gil?  You want me to find the fetal heart rate?  Yeah, not my best skill in the best of circumstances I would rather put an IV in an infant, but the patient was understanding.  Yes, I did find it.  Eventually.

"Cholera" was the diagnosis for an individual who had come in with an ankle injury.  Ooops.  Slight coding error.

On the subject of "My Doctor Told Me....Go to the ER":
I just don't really care.  Tell me the reason why you called your doctor, and give me the abridged version. I don't have time to listen to "Well, it all started in 1997, on a lovely spring day, I think it was a Wednesday".  I will interrupt and ask pointed questions.  I'm good at that.