Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Numbers Game

Statistics explained.  Best pie chart ever
I had racked up a some unimpressive stats one day and shared my concerns with the coordinator.

"Not happy with these statistics.  25% of my patients went to the OR,  25% left without being seen, 25% died, and 25% survived my nursing care and went home.  I need to take all the patients for the rest of the night to improve my numbers".  I had seen a total of four patients.

Coordinator: "Let's just take a page out of the "Hospital Administrator's Guide to Skewing Statistics" and see if we can make it all better.  We'll start off with an easy one.  How many IV's sticks were successful?"

Me: "100%".  I had done one all day.

Coordinator: "Good.  And how many codes did you have all day?"

Me: "None.  My patient who died was a DNR"

Coordinator: "And how many patients who were NOT a DNR died?"

Me: "None"

Coordinator:  "So, 100% of your DNR patients were appropriately allowed to die with dignity according to their wishes.  That's excellent.  And 100% of your non-DNR patients are alive and well, either saved in the OR, home to their family, or taking their 4 year old to buy another pack of cigarettes and a six pack".

Me: "I like this game".

Coordinator:  "I know, right?  So now, what percentage of your patients who left without being seen are likely to receive a survey and complain about having to wait 29 minutes while you did end of life care?"

Me: "Um, none.  I didn't give her one"

Coordinator: "Strong work. Of the 25% of your patients who left without being seen, how many had no legitimate need to be seen today in the ER?"

Me: "100%",  I said, feeling  proud of myself.

Coordinator: "See, it's not nearly as bad as you thought.  Everything is all sunshine and Skittle-pooping unicorns, right?"

Me: "Yep.  Taste the rainbow"

Coordinator: "Ok, so will you take the 24 hour position now?"

Me: "No"

Coordinator: "I thought you were looking for hours?"

Me: "Looking, possibly.  But not aggressively.  I mean,  I'm not willing to hunt them down and kill them"



3 comments:

Susan said...

I love the banter of this exchange! I have to be overly caffeinated with PVC's galore before I could respond with such droll humor and timeliness!

EDNurseasauras said...

Way, way too much caffeine as it is.

simplysweeter said...

I've soiled mee-self reading this one. Lmao