Cry Me a River

I don't mind people using the Internet to look stuff up except when they are too stupid to use the information correctly, then try to tell me I'M the idiot. 

Ms. Dumass: "I have a severe lacrimation*"
Me: "You have....watery eyes?"
Ms. Dumass: "No!  Don't you know medical terminology??  I have a bad cut on my foot!"
Me: "Ah, I apologize.  I thought you said 'severe lacrimation'"
Ms. Dumass: "Yes, of course, that's what I said, a lacrimation!"

Some days it's just not worth bothering to try to educate nasty people who are dumber than a box of rocks.  Please don't use big words you don't understand, it merely serves to emphasize your stupidity.  Thank you. 


*For non-medical types, that would be an excessive secretion of tears.  Cut=laceration.  So very dissimilar.

Cautionary Tale

It's fine to help your kids with their science projects, but that doesn't mean  doing it for them. 

Mom cut herself with  a pair of scissors while cutting a twig so the 12 year old wouldn't.  Why she needed to use the scissors in the first place was beyond me since the project entailed creating a primitive tool.  I don't think primitive people used scissors to fashion tools.

As she received 5 sutures mom commented: "We better get an A on this project".

WTF?  I never got a lot of  help on my projects from my parents except to cart it to and from school.  Unless it involved power tools, then I wasn't allowed to use the chain saw.  Lame Styrofoam solar systems or exploding volcanoes were otherwise my responsibility. 

Once I had to do a working digestive system.  I traced my little brother's outline on a piece of plywood, then filled in the esophagus, stomach, intestines etcetera. My dad drew a profile (face only) of Lucy (Peanuts Lucy, not I Love Lucy...although THAT would have been interesting).  My little brother was upset that I put Lucy on his body but he got over it.  I got some plastic tubing that I stapled  gingerly on the plywood being careful not to poke holes in it.  Thus I was able to demonstrate the fascinating journey of food, using Kool-Aid, through the body from start to finish.  Everyone thought it was gross, but that's fourth grade for you.  I got an A on the project. "We" didn't get an A.

Got Flu for You

 It's official: "Go directly to the ER at the first sign of flu" season is upon us.

One guy wasn't feeling great, "felt warm" (um, his thermometer didn't work), kinda tired, and had a sore arm because he had a flu shot yesterday.  Perfectly healthy guy.  Came from work.  Home with common sense generic remedies.  I think the CDC should start keeping statistics on ManFlu.

I did three flu swabs today, and not a single one was positive.  Nobody was sick enough for the ER, trust me.

One mother of a 6 year old called first to make sure we did flu tests and we could give her kid Tamiflu if needed.  Yes to the test, no to the Tamiflu.  We don't stock it, and the pharmacies are closed now.  Call your pediatrician for flu guidelines, no I can't say whether we will or will not give it to your kid anyway.  The advice she ignored.  The kid wasn't really sick other than a low grade fever.  He was otherwise healthy. But he did have a birthday in a few days and mom's goal was that she wanted him healthy for the party.

Negative flu test.  No Tamiflu.  Cancel the party.

Being Nosy

A three year old little girl was brought in by mom.  "She stuck something up her nose"

Tonight's foreign body was a little piece of plastic that came out with relative ease.  I always have some fun with this kind of thing.  Sometimes the parents know what the object might be, sometimes not.  . 

Here are a few examples of the responses I have gotten when I asked the kiddo WHAT was up nose:
"An eraser!"
"Kleenex!"
"A Barbie shoe!"
"Playdoh!"
"A cat treat!"
"A flower!  I was smelling it and it just stuck there!"
"Nothing!  Just boogers!"

I trust you have seen the image of the little girl who suffered for years with recurrent sinus problems who, it turns out, had a safety pin lodged up there in her sinus cavity.  Google "girl with safety pin in nose" to see it, I'm too lazy to post a link.  It's an impressive example of the kinds of shenanigans kids can get up to when you turn your back on them for like, 2 seconds.  When I was a school nurse one of my favorite kindergarten teachers brought two adorable little 5 year olds fresh from the playground.

Mrs. J: "Lacey, tell Mrs. EdN why we came to see her today"
Lacey: "I put a pebble up my nose!"
Me: (coughing to hide a laugh) "Lacey, how come you put a pebble in your nose?"
Lacey: "'Cause it was little!"
Mrs. J: "Now, Gina, will you please tell Mrs. EdN why we came to see her?"
Gina: "I put a pebble up my nose too!  I was showing Mrs. J. how Lacey did it!"
Me: (really, really trying not to laugh but really, really not succeeding) "Oh, I understand.  So the pebbles are still stuck up your nose?"
Lacey: "No, mine came out!"
Gina: "Mine fell out when I sneezed!"
Me: "Well that's good.  Let me just look and make sure, then I'll call your moms.  No more anything up the nose though, right girls?"
Lacey and Gina: (in little sing-song voices) "Noooooooo!!
Mrs. J: "And why don't we want to put anything up our nose?"
Lacey and Gina: "Because it's BAAAAAAAAD!!!"

Definitely everything we need to know we learned in kindergarten, sometimes the hard way.

The Long and Short

Whenever a patient says, "...to make a long story short", I know I should probably get a snack and settle in becuase it will be anything but short.

Mr. Yada: "Well it all started 2 weeks ago......blah blah fever 1 0 days ago....blah blah.....urinary/prostate problem....saw my primary care...blah blah yada yada....testicles hurt.....mumble snort.....pain when I urinate.....yada yada blabity blabity blabity yada...."

He went on for 10 minutes in spite of my attempts to pry the Reader's Digest abridged version out of him.

Me: "So, sir, to summarize, you have had intermittent fever for 10 days, testicular pain and swelling for 5 days, and urinary symptoms for 4 days?  Is that correct?"

Mr. Yada: " Um....yes, I would say that sums it up nicely.  How did you do that?"

Me: "Active listening and a scary ability to condense".