Snatch Purse

Ellen was the one who cut the article out of the local paper.  One of our frequent patients had been arrested for stealing money from her friend in the amount of $2000.  She ran to a neighbor's garage where police recovered about $120 in a bottle of ant killer.  Although she denied stealing any money, having any money on her person, or having any connection whatsoever with cash in the bottle she later copped to having hidden roughly $1,654 in her vagina.  She was taken into police custody after turning the cash over to the police.  Nasty.

This, of course, prompted a discussion of the  possible denominations she had managed to secret upon her skanky person as we pondered the required capacity. 

"'l'll bet it was 16 hundreds, 2 twenties, 1 ten and 4 ones"
"Maybe it was all in silver dollars"
"How about a Traveler's check?"
"Nah, it had to have been $1,654 ones."
"Gold doubloons!"

I am only using my debit card from now on.  My mother is right, money is dirty.

Actual Dictation

"Patient is a 23 year old female well nourished and well developed in no acute distress.  She is a recent graduate from collagen but is seeking employment".

No doubt her job hunting is in the field of esthetics.

You Might Be a Squirrel If....

1.  Your husband gives your date of birth when I ask you for same along with the correct spelling of your last name as a patient identifier before I administer your meds, and
2.  He also assures me, as you describe you 10/10 pain, that you "have a really high pain threshold and tolerance to pain meds" and
3.  I had to ask you to get off your cell phone when I  entered your darkened room.

The next guy
1. You are slumped dramatically in the chair and state you have "pain everywhere", you always have pain and that your foot injury from three weeks ago "brings tears to your eyes".  Your foot injury that you never had checked, and
2.  The only medication you can take is Dilaudid, your pain doctor only gives you a 'script for 12 at a time, you took your last Dilaudid yesterday, and
3.  You didn't volunteer any of this; I had to pry it out of you, and
4.  Your pain is "15/10". 

Happy Blogiversary to Me!

Hard to believe it has been four years since I started this blog.  Where has time gone?

What started out  as rant/journal/self-expression/writing exercise has evolved into an empire: NY Times Best Seller, international acclaim and personal appearances, and now a lucrative movie deal.  Actresses under consideration to play the role of EDNurseasauras are Glenn Close, Kathy Bates,  Helen Mirren (with an American accent of course), and Olympia Dukakis.  Those of you who know me personally may have some ideas. 

Yeah, right.  It amazes me that anyone actually reads any of this or that I haven't run out of things to say.  Oh sure, I 've taken time off from time to time but have always come back.

And so have you, dear readers.  I thank you.

Seriously

I found this on the company website:
Marketing needs your help!! We are missing our beige pushcart that has the words "Marketing Department" written on the side of the cart. If you have seen this cart can you please return it to the "Marketing Department" on the ground floor next to the Credit Union or call XX at ext. XXXXX. Thanks.

Hey "Marketing Department":
Someone has "appropriated" your beige pushcart.  It is not coming back anytime soon.  Today the push cart, tomorrow your entire department.  You suck.  Get a clue.