Christmas Giving

During the holiday season, our building "adopts" a needy family.  In past years we have shared this opportunity with the therapy department.  It always includes some modest requests such as pajamas or a specific toy or two for the kids, perhaps a jacket, winter hats and gloves, jeans and other necessary items.  Occasionally it will include such things as shampoo, soap, toilet paper.  We always donate either gift cards or foods to provide the makings for Christmas dinner.  The hospital provides the turkey to all the Christmas families. 

Last year, it was decided that we would also donate gits and food items to one of the community's elder citizens.  Slippers, nightwear, a sweater, gloves were some of the items.  We found out that the recipient also had a cherished elderly cat so we included cat food.

I don't know how it went horribly wrong this year.  We have not one, but THREE families, and no elder citizen.  Each of these families has three kids, most of whom are teens.  I would love to know how these families were screened or chosen. 

Our employees started asking about the needs list weeks ago.  It finally went up December 1 after it took 4 phone calls to one of the families to get sizes and specifics.  FOUR.  Sherry said that the husband talked about being suicidal during two of her calls.  The list of wants and needs included such things as:
I-Pods
Ugg Boots
Abercrombie T shirts
4x pants
Leather gloves
Movies, a laptop computer, and a snowboard.

Really??  This has gotten completely out of hand.  There is also the Christmas dinner to provide for with check-off sheets for each family; each of these lists is a full sheet of paper long.  There are about 27 employees in the building, and most of us have been forced to curtail our own Christmas madness. 

The Christmas project is a Big Deal to Ellen; she loves to provide as many needs as she can off the list, it gives her tremendous joy.  But this year poor Ellen is beside herself. She took me aside and tearfully said she was having a lot of difficulty with the enormity of the list because she just didn't have the money to give this year.  I know Ellen lives from paycheck to paycheck but she would never in a million years consider herself as a person in need of anything. She was proud that she managed to turn a jar of spare change into 23.98 when she found herself broke two days before payday and needed gas and a few groceries, and to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  She gives and gives and gives, and then she'll check the couch cushions for spare change so she can give more, using her last buck to buy flour to make cookies for someone's birthday.  I stick a $20 in her purse every now when I think I can get away with it. 

How can you tell such a giving person that these are less needs than demands?  I don't care how needy you are, I would never ask for anything for myself if it meant that my kids would have to go without warm clothes, or a pair of boots, or have absolutely nothing under the tree.  I used to think that any parent would think that way.  What a chump I am.  I guess it is what we  have allowed as a society, to encourage people to grab for what they can with both hands.  When it comes to Christmas giving the magic is gone when people who are identified as those being in need of the basic necessities of life have no problem shooting for the stars and hoping to land on the moon.

I haven't had a problem with the Christmas project before now, so I hope you'll excuse the humbug attitude this year.  There is a BIG difference between "needs" and "gotta haves" when everyone else is tightening their belts.  I guess I'm just a terrible person. 

Cart-ashian

Marketing  refused to  give up the ghost on their search for the elusive beige cart.  This  second appeal appeared on the company website:
"The Marketing Department has lost the Marketing cart somewhere within the hospital- have you seen it? I am totallyy lost without it.  It is tan in color and says marketing on the side of it.  If you can provide tips to the whereabouts of this cart, a warm fleece reward awaits you.  Call me at ext. XXXXXX and I will gladly come and get it.  Thanks!"

I believe "fleece" is also a name for counterfeit crack.  Just sayin'.  But it was nice that they were willing to heat it up. 

We had a field day with this.  Kate, Lee, Lynne, Kerry and I took pictures of various carts and emailed them to marketing over a couple of days.  It took awhile for them to realize we were being humorous, but hey, they still think they're getting their cart back.  "No, not our cart but thanks" was the response to images of the code cart (both adult and pedi), TV cart, suture cart, laundry cart and computer cart. I'm pretty sure it was the picture of the shopping cart that tipped them off, but it was surely the hot dog cart photo that pushed them over the edge.  No response to that one. 

Next week, we're going to start sending pictures of carts Photoshopped in places like the beach, bars, amusement parks, and the Statue of Liberty with interesting commentary on what an exciting time the cart is having instead of being cooped up in marketing.  I think he best way to end it will be to open a Beige Marketing Cart Facebook page and friend the head of marketing.  Too bad social media is blocked on hospital computers.

Snatch Purse

Ellen was the one who cut the article out of the local paper.  One of our frequent patients had been arrested for stealing money from her friend in the amount of $2000.  She ran to a neighbor's garage where police recovered about $120 in a bottle of ant killer.  Although she denied stealing any money, having any money on her person, or having any connection whatsoever with cash in the bottle she later copped to having hidden roughly $1,654 in her vagina.  She was taken into police custody after turning the cash over to the police.  Nasty.

This, of course, prompted a discussion of the  possible denominations she had managed to secret upon her skanky person as we pondered the required capacity. 

"'l'll bet it was 16 hundreds, 2 twenties, 1 ten and 4 ones"
"Maybe it was all in silver dollars"
"How about a Traveler's check?"
"Nah, it had to have been $1,654 ones."
"Gold doubloons!"

I am only using my debit card from now on.  My mother is right, money is dirty.

Actual Dictation

"Patient is a 23 year old female well nourished and well developed in no acute distress.  She is a recent graduate from collagen but is seeking employment".

No doubt her job hunting is in the field of esthetics.

You Might Be a Squirrel If....

1.  Your husband gives your date of birth when I ask you for same along with the correct spelling of your last name as a patient identifier before I administer your meds, and
2.  He also assures me, as you describe you 10/10 pain, that you "have a really high pain threshold and tolerance to pain meds" and
3.  I had to ask you to get off your cell phone when I  entered your darkened room.

The next guy
1. You are slumped dramatically in the chair and state you have "pain everywhere", you always have pain and that your foot injury from three weeks ago "brings tears to your eyes".  Your foot injury that you never had checked, and
2.  The only medication you can take is Dilaudid, your pain doctor only gives you a 'script for 12 at a time, you took your last Dilaudid yesterday, and
3.  You didn't volunteer any of this; I had to pry it out of you, and
4.  Your pain is "15/10".