Dude!

Not a bad day at all except for the "Dirty 2:30", that time of day when all patients converge upon us.  They are usually pretty sick people that require a ton of stuff.  Gack.   I hate the day shift.  The only good thing was that Parvati was supposed to be working but she phoned in dead or rude or some sh*t.  Can't say that I missed her.

I had a nice 19 year old who came by with a foot laceration.  He was riding a little motorbike thing and not his usual dirt bike, although he was suited up in some sort of cool little biking ensemble.  A big stick had penetrated his tennis shoe.  Damn.  Meant to put on those boots, but forgot.  He had a nice big laceration with a small quantity of twig sticking out of it.  Dude had a couple of friends with him; sure, they can come in while we stitch you up.

19 year old boys can be quite funny.  Dude's buddies were like, snowboarding East Coast valley boys, or like some sh*t?  Dude's cut was  soooooo gross, you know?  Dude's friends, predictably, deployed their iPhones to snap photos and ER vid.  "I'd better not see this on, like,  Youtube?", I warned them, but smiled as I said it.  I adjusted the overhead light and put a paper ruler next to the laceration for the best photos.  I've done this a time or two.  Dude' one friend teased, like, the other one?  'Cause he, you know, hates blood?  Duuuuuuuuuuuude!!

Once he was stitched up I wrapped it up with a bunch of dressing material and gave him a post-op shoe.  Dude's friend was like, "Whoa, that's like really sweet wrappage!"

Yeah, gonna totally chart it that way.  Sweet.

Always Something

Tonight we had the great good fortune to work with my favorite relatively new employee in the lab.  Meet Wednesday Addams.  Wednesday apparently got the job because she is best friends with her manager, the stalwart Morticia, who never smiles.  I routinely hang up on her, along with EGK troll.  I don't expect either Morticia or Wednesday to last too long in their current positions.

Wednesday, though, incites another whole level of homicidal thoughts.  She lacks the ability to think outside the box.  In fact a box is probably the safest place for her.  She is constantly asking the secretaries, X-ray tech or nurses to do her job; make phone calls to doctors, patients, or other labs.  Do pediatric blood draws.  Find paper towels. Figure out computer stuff.  Turn on the faucet.  Here is an example:

Wednesday: "Hi I'm really busy, I have to (insert busy work here: QA's, outpatient's, finding stickers).  Do you know how to (insert query here: see above)?  Will you (insert task here: i.e., anything in her job description) for me?  

I don't mind helping, but it is not reciprocated; it never is.  She doesn't seem to want to learn how to empower herself, find out the answer by doing, trying, experimenting or calling one of her colleagues if she can't get her equipment to work.  Tonight Wednesday was unable to get some results to print, so...... did we know how to copy?

Kate:  (exasperated) "You mean like on the copy machine?  It's over there!"

Wednesday stared blankly at the copier for a few minutes, then asked nobody in particular, "Is this on?"  No doubt it seemed very complicated, with all of those dials, buttons, flashy lights and shiny knobs.

There it is.  Just what we've been searching for.  Thank you, Thing.

You Did NOT Just Say That

We sent out a woman several years younger than me for further testing.  Abdominal pain, nausea, fever.  She gave her stated weight as a conservative (I'd say overly generous) 375 at last weigh-in about 2 years ago.  I don't say this to be cruel or uncaring, but as a courtesy to the ambulance crew who was transporting; it would be uncool for them to drop people because they are unprepared with the right number of personnel.  Size does sometimes matter.  She was a very nice lady, and she was much more comfortable at the time of transfer thanks to minuscule doses of meds for pain and nausea.

The EMT/Paramedic crew took report, and agreed that an ACLS transport was unnecessary.  The paramedic was busy training a new guy anyway, so the ensuing conversation took place out of her earshot.  I wish it had taken place out of mine.

Male EMT to female EMT: "OK, do you want to drive or tech"
Female EMT: "It doesn't matter, whatever you want"
Male EMT: "Well, why don't you tech, since it is a female patient.  That way you can have the girl on girl action"

Dead silence (except for the sound of my head hitting the underside of the desk as I drove under it to muffle my laughter).

Chicken 'n Chips

Ever have one of those days at work when the level of pissed-off ranges from simmer to rolling boil?

Constant interruptions are nothing new but some days are worse than others.  Kate and I always manage to work well together, but sometimes the other combinations of  co-workers doesn't quite...fit. 

Eeyore and Beth are a perfectly bad pair, both being negative, complainers, and glass-half-empty types.

Plus, when they are together they sound like chickens....cluck, cluck, cluck..CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK CCCCCCLUUUUUCCKKKKK!!!!!  Complaining about everything and harassing the new housekeeper mostly.  That took up a good bit of their time.

So annoying.  Between the two of them in my right ear, and the mother in the room to my left who insisted on HIGH DECIBEL PARENTING* the kid with an earache I was ready to poke my eyes out.  

Me (quietly, so that only Kate could hear):  shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Kate (moaning): "Oh why won't they shut up??  They are hurting my ears!"

Me: "I am ordering a wood chipper"

Mac: "I don't get it"

Kate: "You know....Fargo?"

Mac: "You mean like North Dakota?"

Me: "You've never seen that movie?  How can that be?"

Mac: "Oh.  Is it any good?"

Kate launches into a synopsis, including the wood chipper scene. "It's pretty funny".

Me: "Heartwarming as hell" 

Mac: "So not a family movie?"

Me: "Depends on your family values"

Yeah it was kind of a wood chipper day.

*High Decibel Parenting consists of a parent who insists on speaking to their child as if they were two rooms away.  This is done for our benefit so that we can hear how what a caring, concerned, enlightened parent they are.  

You just know it's gonna be a bad shift when....

...they only saw 3 patients during the day

...the Lady on Elm St. already called the ER twice and the Complaint Line once

...the doc was working on his 3rd double in five days.

... the last song I heard on the radio on my way to work at the religious hospital was "Sympathy for the Devil"