A 29 year old with a recent cholecystecomy, history of alcohol abuse etc, cirhosis, etc, comes in because he...surprise, surprise...ran out of oxycodone.

Because of the liver disease, he was careful to tell me, he couldn't take acetaminophen.  But because of the pain and no oxy's since yesterday he had had a few beers in spite of the fact that his discharge instructions clearly said "STOP DRINKING".

I couldn't help it.  I blurted, "You're a dumbass"

He looked guilty. "Well, but I didn't think just a couple of beers would really make that much difference"

I felt bad for him.  I felt bad that I called him a dumbass.

I told Mac what I had done.  He cocked his head to one side, considering for a moment.  "Well", said Mac, "he IS a dumbass".

As I was discharging him I tried to get into his head a little.  I apologized for calling him a dumbass.

"Oh, I am a dumbass, my wife says it to me too.  I know it.  I realize that even one beer is too many"

Me: "I don't say this to everyone.  But I'm an old woman with kids older than you are, and I am seriously concerned about you.  You're too young for this.  Do you have kids?"

"Yeah, two, and one on the way.  The oldest one is 6"

Me: "Those babies need their daddy.  I hope you can get the help you need to be there for them"

The saddest thing is that I don't think he will be around long.  It's sad.  He seemed like a nice kid who just went off the rails.

Son of Misqoutes

A 2 year old was brought in with a crayon stuck in her nose.

Why?  "It was GREEN!"

It was easily removed with a Katz Extractor.  Man, I wish I invented that thing.

The following dictation was not proofread by the attending:

"The patient was stabilized in an Extractor which was inserted in the right nares and a small cranium was removed".

Crayon.  CRAYON.  CRAYON!!  I'm certain she is going to be needing that cranium sometime in the near future even if it is quite tiny.

This next one, courtesy of Dr. I Never Check My Dictations, details the very minor complaints of a young man who had been in an MVA.

"This young man suffered no loss of consciousness, but reports a headache which sex has resolved"

What?!  I had to point that one out once I stopped laughing, but not before I wrote it down.

FYI he meant "which SINCE has resolved".  

*snort*

Misquotes

The Talker takes the cake for the number of amusing misquoted dictations, he of the legendary "anal screw" dictation (ambulance crew).  He is a bit of a low talker which doesn't help.  Heck, I can't hear 3/4 of what he says.  I have never, ever heard him raise his voice about anything and he rarely gets excited.  That is to say a raised voice which would be in the normal human conversation range, and excitement....just couldn't picture it.

"Poni ice to affected area 20 minutes per hour".  Not the ice of regular sized horses, it must be poni ice.  Poni= apply


"You must quit soaking".  Dry out, you're all wet.  Soaking=smoking.  


"Watch for signs of injection"  Because they can sneak up on you.  Injection=infection

"History of My Grain Clinic"  It must have been somewhere in the Mid-West.  My Grain Clinic=migraine headache.

"...append ass us".  We will just stick it on the end of the butt.  appendicitis

By far the funniest thing I've seen or heard in awhile occurred while I was buying my new this past week, a story for another day since I am still on an adrenaline rush.  Be calm.  Breathe.  Drink more wine.

Anyway, a sales person who was not mine was dealing with an obviously disgruntled customer for whom English was not a native language and who was having some sort of difficulty with a series of repairs on a used car she had purchased.  I was too busy trying to get my calculator to work, but heard this much:

Sales guy: "So what's up, girl?"

Woman: "Yeah, I'm gonna have to talk to a lawyer or sump thin, these things are not being fixed".

Sales guy: "What's going on"

Woman: "You know, the blah blah is this, and the blah blah is that"

Sales guy: "What have the repair guys told you, and what do they propose to resolve the problem?"

Woman: "Yeah, it's a thing with the asshole, you know, I don't know anything about cars.  The asshole,  man, there's a problem with that"

Sale's guy (to his credit doesn't even blink): "I think you mean the axle"

I stuck my head in my purse to hide the laughter, but not before the sales guy winked at me.

Shark Tale

So, I'm sitting here watching the news, a follow up story from the other day in which a man on vacation was horribly bitten by a shark in front of his son while body surfing .  The man survived, and was alive and well enough to give commentary on how incredibly lucky he felt.  No, it didn't ruin his vacation because now he would have a story to tell.

A story to tell??  Um, I have a slightly different take.

I am too lazy to do the research or the statistics, but I would think that the odds of getting attacked by a shark for someone who casually swims in the ocean a few times per year are far fewer than someone who swims in shark infested waters all the time.  So on the bright side, this guy's chances of getting attacked by a shark a second time  IN HIS LIFETIME are slim.  To none.

Getting attacked by a shark and surviving is like getting struck by lightening.

But what about the odds of getting attacked by a shark and surviving, and SUBSEQUENTLY being struck by lightening???

This gives me a headache, think I will have another glass of wine.

No Medals for Poor Performance

Mr. Ednurseasauras called to inquire if I was able to watch any of the Olympic Opening Ceremony with doctor's and nurses jumping around and dancing with beds.  I had no idea what he was talking about until later.  "Nope.  I'm watching patients hit the fan".  This was not a literal statement, but I did have parents bring in a  baby whose head was struck by a  ceiling fan in motion as mom lifted him over her head.  No actual baby parts were injured.

A 19 year old female was observed exiting the car via Magic Cam and crossing the parking lot accompanied by a young male.  Said 19 year old then performed the oh-so-graceful-ever-so-gentle drop to the floor where she sat partially supported by the young male.  "She passed out!"

Yawn.  Wheelchair was deployed to lobby.  Young female is clearly not unconscious.  "Get up", I whispered loudly in her ear.  Young female complied and sat in the wheelchair.

Young female was apparently found "passed out" by her car in the driveway by Male companion.  She was nauseous yesterday.  Went to work today and didn't eat much, but managed to have a few sips of Budweiser for sustenance before taking a dive in the driveway.

Yawn, yawn.  Vital signs, EKG, labs, blood sugar all shockingly normal.  Not pregnant.  Run in a liter of saline.

She was pretty much ignored for the next hour since her arrival signaled the floodgates to open wide.  I was busy, busy.  Male companion had left the building also, becoming disinterested withYoung female's sub-standard dramatic acting skills.

Apparently Young female got bored because she wasn't getting enough attention, so she took out the generous 18g IV I had so graciously placed for her well being.   "I'm ready to leave", she said.

"Yeah, no. Sit.  Stay.  Good girl.  Be with you in a minute"

In the Possum Olympics, you have failed in the Qualifying Round and will not medal.

I love the Olympics, but I just can't watch the female weight lifting.  Those little tiny girls doing clean and jerk....I have to look away because I am expecting those weights to land on top of them and squash them like bugs.  Or that their arms will splinter like glass or their knees to pop out.

There isn't much I will try to lift these days as I have too many years of work ahead of me to risk injury.    For the most part,  I really don't have to lift much.  Most of the time it's drama like Young female.  It is fascinating that people can be compelled to RISE on command because I tell them I cannot support them: "You WILL hit the floor".   It is almost always women whose sense of self-preservation takes precedence over the need for attention.