Idiotic Names

Maybe it's because of all these idiot celebrities naming their kids pretentiously (did it start with Dweezil Zappa?), but I have had a rash of stupidly spelled names of late. Stupid because these kids are going to spend the rest of their lives spelling their names.

Here are a few samples of stupidity:
Jewelly pronounced "Julie"
Jessaca
Pshawn, the "P" is silent (no pshit)
Kortny
Holleigh
Alexeigh
Mykele pronounced Michael
Linsy (did you mean "LINDSAY?")
Khelli

Here is a selection of some plain Stupid Names:
Crystal Snow (the Ice Queen?)
Precious
Princess
Treasure
King (except for my uncle, and the middle names of several of my male relatives--it IS a family name)
Badger (hahahaha! "BADGERS? We don't need no stinkin' badgers!")
Audra and Jared (if you are over 40, remember "The Big Valley" TV show?)
Marvolene (WTF?)
Feral
Maverick ("did your mother not like you?")
Tyler Harley Davidson (a girl, yikes)
Summer, Winter, Spring and Autumn (not from the same family)

Names Guaranteed to Get Your Kid Beat Up:
Boral (combination of Bob and Coral?)
Lexus
Third (yikes)
Juniper
Quita (could never finish anything?)
Juicey (no lie)
Boswin
Storey (Ah, the Story Girl. Welcome!)
...and to go with the above, Anne of Green Gables Johnson
Shiclet (accent on the last syllable; "Chiclet?")

Here's a doozy or two from when I used to babysit a million years ago:
Tamsen Olivia Freelove Jones. Yikes!
Teena Bean (just sounds weird)
Peter Lapin (Lapin means rabbit in French)
Bambi. Yup. Went to high school with her.

You need a license to drive a car, but anyone can have a kid; and they can name said kid anyting they want to

Survivor Waiting Room

At times of high volume at Pseudocity Medical Center the waiting room often seems like a combination of bus depot, bomb shelter, and the morning after a party gone horribly wrong. Regardless of the complaint that brings them in for their non-emergent emergencies one thing is certain: they all know where they are in the queue. Never mind that various posters remind the huddled masses that patients are not treated on a first-come, first-served basis.

It is a high stakes, competitive game that is run in the waiting room; the frequent customers all know the rules and have developed a Survivor: ER mentality. Alliances are developed, a few with outstanding warrants are "voted off the island." They never tire of challenging the system.

On a recent very busy shift, I was in the penalty box (AKA triage box, otherwise known as goal-tending). The truth is, I really like being in triage and would rather do that than anything because it is the shortest possible contact with complete idiots. Also, it is a challenge to get my really sick people into a treatment room ASAP which I sort of enjoy. But I digress.

One of my patients was SICK. Pale, sweaty, nauseous, looked and felt like absolute crap but with pretty normal vitals. He was of the scary category of patients who are Young Enough to Die, so I wanted him back into a room. I got a wheelchair, but he would have none of it, so I explained my strategy in the Survivor: ER game:

"Look, sir, I know you want to be all macho and walk out back, but the truth is the natives out there are pretty restless. Now, I could let you walk, but an angry mob scene would be really bad for business, and they would probably do some serious damage to me when I come back; not to mention IF we even get out of this box in one piece. The only way I can protect you is if you sit in that wheelchair. I know you can't keep up with me walking, and the triage motto is "No One Gets Left Behind". I'll draw their fire: you go in the chair, it's our only chance".

The patient took the chair; his wife was laughing so hard she could barely walk.

Another strategy to avoid the "I was here first" scene is to call a patient from the door and tell them they have a phone call, or that there is some problem with their insurance, or that we made a mistake and they are supposed to be in XRay. We have a non-urgent side that is strictly first come, first served, but for a returning wound check, IV antibiotic etc (and they are nice people who don't deserve to be sitting with the rabble) we can try to expedite their visit. Hey, it makes us feel good, and scores one for us. There isn't much we can control so we take it when we can.

Granny Dump

It happens every day, but is never more poignant than over the holidays. Families from afar visit Grandma or Grandpa to drop off the annual fruit cake to find that the Poor Dears are living in utter squalor and haven't bathed in 2 months. There is not one scrap of food to be found except for a can of peaches that poor arthritic hands can't manage to open; the last refill of medication for heart conditions, hypertension and diabetes hasn't been filled since October.

Well-meaning but clueless families bundle off their confused, dehydrated, foul-smelling relatives to the nearest ER where they procede to make demands, hover over their demented loved one who doesn't know them from Adam, and generally try to make themselves appear loving and caring (as opposed to guilt- ridden). At least until you put them on the spot:

Triage nurse: Do you know what medicines your grandmother (aunt, uncle, etc.) takes?

Loving Family: Well, we brought the bottles. Don't you have her records? Do you have any juice?

Triage nurse: Do you know what medical problems your grandmother is treated for, surgeries, allergies to medication?

Loving Family: I think she is diabetic? Can you get her another pillow and blanket?

Triage nurse: Any idea when she last saw her doctor?

Loving Family: Is there a cafeteria here?

Triage nurse: Does Grandma get any services? VNA, Meals-on-Wheels? Lifeline?

Loving Family: We just don't know. You have to do something, she can't live in that house with nobody to take care of her.

Triage nurse: (innocently). Based on what you have told me about the conditions she is living in, I have to agree. Will she be living with you when she is discharged?

Loving Family: Um, er, well, ah.....Don't worry Grandma, you're in good hands. We will be back later. (Running for the exit)

With Loving Family gone, we get Grandma undressed, cleaned up, made comfortable, hydrated, and diagnostics accomplished. She really is a cute little thing, and becomes something of a favorite in the 8 hours she is with us. Loving Family makes a brief cameo appearance to "check in", leaving their number and disappearing for good.

I really wonder how some people can live with themselves. It sucks to get old

Ho, Ho, HO

Well, Christmas has come and gone, and for once I didn't work one second of it. Not Christmas Eve, not Christmas Day. What a treat it was, and well deserved as I have worked each and every Christmas since I was 13 years old; believe me that was a LONG time ago. I must say I did not miss being in the ER and having to take care of the usual sick and stupid. Actually, on Christmas it is more like the critically ill and the galactically stupid; extremes are the norm.



In addition to not working on the holiday, I am also on break from school until the middle of January, so I had a nice relaxing few days. Returning to work today was a pleasure, right up until Last Call when a member of the Better Living Through Chemistry Club came in with a migraine and demanded the only drugs that work for her: Toradol, Demerol and Phenergan. I work at a couple of ER's in the area so I poked my head in the room just to say hi. Her reaction can best be summed up by a parody of a credit card commercial:
Cost of ER visit to the patient: $Zero
Cost of ER visit to you and I because she has Medicaid: $400.00
Meeting the nurse who took care of your worthless ass last week in another ER: PRICELESS.

Old Nurses Never Die..They Just Go Back To School

At the age of...well old, I have gone back to school to get my degree. I went to nursing school when the choice for nursing education was a 2 year ADN program, a 4 year baccalaureate program or a three year hospital based diploma program. I chose the three year route. Good or bad, it was over 30 years ago. Now that I am old and creaky, I realize that I do not want to spend the waning years of my career pushing around stretchers containing farm animals. I believe I would have a lot to offer in terms of educating the next generation of nurses, so I am pursuing my BSN and then my masters in nursing. Unless I just decide to work at Chilli's.

To date, in addition to the 45 credits I was given for being an RN, I have taken five courses and received credit for two others that I took a few years ago. I get no credit for any of the lab science I took, and I have to take chemistry and two math courses. Not looking forward to that. At the rate I am going, it will take me 2 more years to get my degree, and who knows, 2 years for a masters. Why is this made so difficult?

With the looming nursing shortage and the paucity of masters-prepared nursing educators this country is going to be in big trouble in a couple of years when nurses my age retire. Or work at Chilli's. I realize that I need to get the necessary degrees, but sheesh.

There plenty of programs for individuals with a BA or BS in another field making it significantly more easy for someone who has never worked in the field to get into nursing as a second career. It is even possible, in 2 years, to become a nurse and get a masters degree. Does this make any sense, a brand new nurse with a masters degree? To do what? Certainly not teach! I interviewed one for a position in the ER at Utopia Hospital. She had literally no clinical experience and would have been a disaster; not to mention it would have been setting her up for failure in a fast-paced ER where, I'm sorry to say, my little friends were famous for Eating Their Young.