1. Always ask if there have been any deaths lately, and if so, if there have been any dead bodies on the stretcher you now occupy.
2. Before you have even been examined, ask for 6 warm blankets, footies, a cab voucher home, the head of the bed elevated at precisely 45 degrees, Coca-cola (not that generic cola crap) with the straw bent and most, but not all, of the bubbles swished out.
3. Insist that when you Googled your insignificant ankle twist in the 20 minutes since you injured it that it appears to be at least a "Grade 2" sprain.
4. Ask me about my squirrel. Go on. I dare you.
5. By all means ask for your IV fluids, which you do not need, to be heated to 98.6 degrees so you "won't get brain freeze"
6. Continuously refer to yourself in the 3rd person.
7. Make a comment about how glad you are that you came in on a "quiet" night.
8. Tell me how bad your veins are when I come in to draw your blood, especially if they are fu*ing pipelines that could easily sustain the biggest IV in the box. If you really want to piss me off, tell me how "they" tried to get your IV last time and it took 9 tries and gave you a bruise the size of a sofa pillow.
9. Ask for sandwiches, cocoa, coloring books, and stickers for your filthy, unruly brood at 11 PM when you are here for your refill of Percocet.
10. Keep sending your little wild animals out to inquire about how much longer the wait will be.
11. Insist that "we" have your records
12. Also insist that I should call Dr. Q to get your medication list.
13. If you think that standing in the doorway of your room and glaring at me because you don't think you are getting enough attention for your dental pain is intimidating, you are mistaken. You are a colossal failure in that department
14. Sorry, I'm busy with an Actual Sick Person right now and coordinating things like ICU beds and ambulance transfers. Your door is staying closed because you are a distraction and the goings-on in other rooms is none of your business
15. Absolutely allow your sullen teen with the urgent ankle pain/headache/dry skin to be on the phone when I am triaging.