Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Tales from the Crib

Babies.  Hate 'em.

Well, not really, just don't like 'em in the ER cause it's generally no place for a healthy child.  There are few reasons to actually bring your young baby to the hospital.  Obvious reasons notwithstanding (AKA life threatening or extremely troublesome symptoms that cannot wait for an appointment), about 90% of the babies we see in the ER have no need to be there.

Mosquito bite.

Low grade fever absent other symptoms.

Diaper rash.



Vomiting if you have reloaded your child with Hawaiian Punch every time he spits up.

I can't even talk about every kid who ever played a sport and bumped his head on a Nerf ball.

One mother brought her pink as a rose 9 month old by ambulance.  This followed a visit to urgent care, as well as another visit to their pediatrician where she was told the child had an ear infection.  She loudly complained about both of those visits, calling the pediatrician "stupid", and the urgent care "idiots".  No, she didn't give the kid with a temp of 100.2 any tylenol.  No, she didn't fill the prescription for antibiotic.  No, she didn't bring diapers, formula, or clothes.  She refused to let me take a rectal temp.  "He as a diaper rash".  Um, ok.

The kids was bright-eyed, playful, beautiful.  The mother held him and rocked him but was more intent on being on her phone.  In a perfect world, no patient or visitor cell phones would work in the ER when health professionals get within 3 feet of them.  Some sort of jamming device would be nice.  Thank you to all the patients and visitors who actually ask if they can use their electronic devices.

The PA spent a LOT of time with her, going over tylenol dosing, being specific about when she should give the child meds, and in general providing her with the one thing the child would benefit the most from aside from a parent with an actual brain:  education.

I really don't know what she wanted, possibly for the child to be admitted so someone else could take care of him.  Between the two of us, the PA and I, we gave her formula, med syringes clearly labeled, diapers, wipes.  She got fed a meal.  Still, after being discharged the registration clerk came back to let me know that the mother was out at the front desk, talking loudly on the phone, complaining that her child got crappy care and "she needs answers now, and she got nothing".   You just can't fix stupid.  The kid is doomed.


Aesop said...

Acute Stupid Parent Syndrome:

No known cure.

Low but notable infant mortality, but research is unclear whether that's the influence of a merciful deity, or the randomness of a benign universe on a large population of afflicted bonding pairs.

Anecdotal research has shown that Waiting Room Florescent Light Therapy for upwards of 6 hours consecutively, doubled for frequent trips to the triage window, improves outcomes by 75%.

The Medicinal Head Slap followed by a robust demonstration of Shaken Parent Syndrome is 100% effective, but has recently fallen out of favor due to ethical questions, and the increased installation of clear-glass doors on treatment rooms.

Late-term (>100th trimester) abortions are clinically indicated in extreme cases, but not covered under Medicaid or ObamaCare.

EDNurseasauras said...

There is no vaccine either!