Cripes: "What's wrong with this guy?"
Me: "Man-cold".
Cripes (singing falsetto to the tune Maneater) "Ohhh, here he comes, it's a Maaaaaaan Coooooold!"
Right. It can practically be diagnosed from the parking lot and seems to be a phenomenon that has bearers of the XY chromosome dragging themselves out of their death bed in the evening hours. It is universally accepted that the symptoms will have been present for.....a day. Maybe. Man-cold is emergent and debilitating. Females who accompany Man-cold to the ER are either disgusted with their companions, or complete morons who also drag 3 or 4 dirty unruly kids who also have Man-cold, the Disney edition.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
No Soup for You
I had spent what seemed like hours at the beck and call of an elderly couple. The wife was being treated for vague complaints; the husband was feisty, and was not happy to be in the ER. He followed me out of the room EVERY TIME to ask another question or to make another demand / request. There were several "one more thing to tell the doctor" and "I remembered something else". I had toileted, watered, warm blanketed, repositioned, explained the monitor, apologized for the tightness of the blood pressure cuff, and given them 3 vomit sacks (although she was not, in fact, vomiting). When he wasn't hounding me, the husband was on the phone loudly proclaiming to his friends / neighbors / family / distant cousins how much time had elapsed since they had entered the ER.
It was the middle of the afternoon although they had only been in the department for two hours. Another exhausting Q and A session concluded thus:
Husband (snippy): "So, are you going to be serving us dinner?"
Me (apologetically): "Oh, no; I'm sorry, we don't have any food service here, I'm sure I explained that"
Husband (more snippy than before): "I was really just wondering if we were going to be here long enough to require dinner"
Me (innocently): "Yes sir, I understand sarcasm".
It was the middle of the afternoon although they had only been in the department for two hours. Another exhausting Q and A session concluded thus:
Husband (snippy): "So, are you going to be serving us dinner?"
Me (apologetically): "Oh, no; I'm sorry, we don't have any food service here, I'm sure I explained that"
Husband (more snippy than before): "I was really just wondering if we were going to be here long enough to require dinner"
Me (innocently): "Yes sir, I understand sarcasm".
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Sure-Fire Ways to Annoy Me
1. Always ask if there have been any deaths lately, and if so, if there have been any dead bodies on the stretcher you now occupy.
2. Before you have even been examined, ask for 6 warm blankets, footies, a cab voucher home, the head of the bed elevated at precisely 45 degrees, Coca-cola (not that generic cola crap) with the straw bent and most, but not all, of the bubbles swished out.
3. Insist that when you Googled your insignificant ankle twist in the 20 minutes since you injured it that it appears to be at least a "Grade 2" sprain.
4. Ask me about my squirrel. Go on. I dare you.
5. By all means ask for your IV fluids, which you do not need, to be heated to 98.6 degrees so you "won't get brain freeze"
6. Continuously refer to yourself in the 3rd person.
7. Make a comment about how glad you are that you came in on a "quiet" night.
8. Tell me how bad your veins are when I come in to draw your blood, especially if they are fu*ing pipelines that could easily sustain the biggest IV in the box. If you really want to piss me off, tell me how "they" tried to get your IV last time and it took 9 tries and gave you a bruise the size of a sofa pillow.
9. Ask for sandwiches, cocoa, coloring books, and stickers for your filthy, unruly brood at 11 PM when you are here for your refill of Percocet.
10. Keep sending your little wild animals out to inquire about how much longer the wait will be.
11. Insist that "we" have your records
12. Also insist that I should call Dr. Q to get your medication list.
13. If you think that standing in the doorway of your room and glaring at me because you don't think you are getting enough attention for your dental pain is intimidating, you are mistaken. You are a colossal failure in that department
14. Sorry, I'm busy with an Actual Sick Person right now and coordinating things like ICU beds and ambulance transfers. Your door is staying closed because you are a distraction and the goings-on in other rooms is none of your business
15. Absolutely allow your sullen teen with the urgent ankle pain/headache/dry skin to be on the phone when I am triaging.
2. Before you have even been examined, ask for 6 warm blankets, footies, a cab voucher home, the head of the bed elevated at precisely 45 degrees, Coca-cola (not that generic cola crap) with the straw bent and most, but not all, of the bubbles swished out.
3. Insist that when you Googled your insignificant ankle twist in the 20 minutes since you injured it that it appears to be at least a "Grade 2" sprain.
4. Ask me about my squirrel. Go on. I dare you.
5. By all means ask for your IV fluids, which you do not need, to be heated to 98.6 degrees so you "won't get brain freeze"
6. Continuously refer to yourself in the 3rd person.
7. Make a comment about how glad you are that you came in on a "quiet" night.
8. Tell me how bad your veins are when I come in to draw your blood, especially if they are fu*ing pipelines that could easily sustain the biggest IV in the box. If you really want to piss me off, tell me how "they" tried to get your IV last time and it took 9 tries and gave you a bruise the size of a sofa pillow.
9. Ask for sandwiches, cocoa, coloring books, and stickers for your filthy, unruly brood at 11 PM when you are here for your refill of Percocet.
10. Keep sending your little wild animals out to inquire about how much longer the wait will be.
11. Insist that "we" have your records
12. Also insist that I should call Dr. Q to get your medication list.
13. If you think that standing in the doorway of your room and glaring at me because you don't think you are getting enough attention for your dental pain is intimidating, you are mistaken. You are a colossal failure in that department
14. Sorry, I'm busy with an Actual Sick Person right now and coordinating things like ICU beds and ambulance transfers. Your door is staying closed because you are a distraction and the goings-on in other rooms is none of your business
15. Absolutely allow your sullen teen with the urgent ankle pain/headache/dry skin to be on the phone when I am triaging.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Inappropriate Drop Medic has been at it again.
A paraplegic woman in an MVC. No real injuries, but since she couldn't feel her legs she just wanted to be sure. She was completely independent but relied on having her own wheelchair, slide board and bag of stuff like catheters and other paraphernalia that facilitate her independence. None of which Inappropriate Drop Medic had thought to bring along. I am old and don't lift all that well. Kate shouldn't lift anything, and Gil....well, he is older than me. Good thing the lady was gracious, open to suggestions, and wasn't really injured.
A psych patient who was clearly off her meds, ramped up and loudly and obnoxiously demanded to see another doctor. Um, this it it lady. Our crack security team (AKA, 911 local police, bless them) was happy to intervene so we could make phone calls to arrange transfer and a little bit of time to take care of less important stuff like vomiting kids and old ladies with pneumonia who needed admission.
One of the local drunks who was sleeping it off in the bushes, prompting a 911 call from a Good Citizen was brought in. NO! NO! NO! NO! Again. NO! We do not do drunks, psych patients, or women in labor. We stabilize and transfer only because we do not have the resources.
Know that I was not happy with you tonight, Inappropriate Drop Medic.
A paraplegic woman in an MVC. No real injuries, but since she couldn't feel her legs she just wanted to be sure. She was completely independent but relied on having her own wheelchair, slide board and bag of stuff like catheters and other paraphernalia that facilitate her independence. None of which Inappropriate Drop Medic had thought to bring along. I am old and don't lift all that well. Kate shouldn't lift anything, and Gil....well, he is older than me. Good thing the lady was gracious, open to suggestions, and wasn't really injured.
A psych patient who was clearly off her meds, ramped up and loudly and obnoxiously demanded to see another doctor. Um, this it it lady. Our crack security team (AKA, 911 local police, bless them) was happy to intervene so we could make phone calls to arrange transfer and a little bit of time to take care of less important stuff like vomiting kids and old ladies with pneumonia who needed admission.
One of the local drunks who was sleeping it off in the bushes, prompting a 911 call from a Good Citizen was brought in. NO! NO! NO! NO! Again. NO! We do not do drunks, psych patients, or women in labor. We stabilize and transfer only because we do not have the resources.
Know that I was not happy with you tonight, Inappropriate Drop Medic.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Award-Whining Behavior
The finalists for "Sketchy Parent of the Week" have been announced.
1. This mom brought her 5 year old with her for her 14th visit in 10 months for "dental access". Because she has Medicaid she "can't get a dental appointment" because she prefers to use her surplus cash for acrylic nails, cigarettes, pot, and extra large sodas from McCrap. Because paying for dental care is boring. She was allergic to Ultram, Motrin, Codeine, clouds, dirt air...basically everything except Tylenol, Percocet and Vicodin. Mom mostly ignored the kid while alternately moaning about her pain when I was within earshot, or texting about how awful her pain was.
2. Baby-daddy, who comes in a couple of times a week with his chronic pain issue (s), came in with his 7 month old who had been bitten by the family dog 15 minutes before. He "didn't think it was serious and the dog has all of its shots" but he wanted to be a stellar parent and get it checked out. In triage, he was unable to remember which hand. There was not a mark to be found anywhere on the child. Baby-daddy came back two hours later without the kid with a complaint of eye pain / blurring/ redness after taking a nap. Gil treated him for a corneal abrasion and actually gave him two Percocet to take home for this bunch of nothing. The first visit was recon to see which doctor was on and ascertain the likelihood of getting narcotics.
3. Mom came in at 10 PM with her 4 year old. Her complaint? " I filleted my thumb". It was barely bleeding. She had taken out her pink jack-knife while in the car to cut a straw for her child's soda. Her main concern was procuring a spoon so her daughter could eat her ice cream before it melted. Question: why are you feeding soda and ice cream to a 4 year old at 10 PM, and why are you using a jack-knife to cut...oh, never mind.
It was a nothing to suture, but Mac put on some Surgicel and wrapped the shit out of it. I couldn't believe that he actually wrote a 'script for Tylenol with Codeine for this. I reminded him that the woman was on methadone. Oops. He ripped it up.
4. This mom brought the 5 year old daughter to get her completely checked out. Some hours previously, the kid had gotten her finger stuck in some plastic toy at daycare, and they had urged mom to get it looked at to be sure it was not broken or going to get infected. It was a barely visible puncture wound. Because Mom needed "bandages and wrapping" for this incredibly serious wound she stopped at the local pharmacy. While in the parking lot, the daughter ran into / tripped over/ brushed against / or was nowhere near some crates carelessly strewn about by the Mountain Dew delivery guy. Absolutely mom should get the kid checked out for trauma at the local ER, and mom would "get some coupons for Mountain Dew". No bleeding, no wounds, no serious owwies, contusions or dirt was found anywhere on the child.
I see morons. They're everywhere....they don't know they're morons.
1. This mom brought her 5 year old with her for her 14th visit in 10 months for "dental access". Because she has Medicaid she "can't get a dental appointment" because she prefers to use her surplus cash for acrylic nails, cigarettes, pot, and extra large sodas from McCrap. Because paying for dental care is boring. She was allergic to Ultram, Motrin, Codeine, clouds, dirt air...basically everything except Tylenol, Percocet and Vicodin. Mom mostly ignored the kid while alternately moaning about her pain when I was within earshot, or texting about how awful her pain was.
2. Baby-daddy, who comes in a couple of times a week with his chronic pain issue (s), came in with his 7 month old who had been bitten by the family dog 15 minutes before. He "didn't think it was serious and the dog has all of its shots" but he wanted to be a stellar parent and get it checked out. In triage, he was unable to remember which hand. There was not a mark to be found anywhere on the child. Baby-daddy came back two hours later without the kid with a complaint of eye pain / blurring/ redness after taking a nap. Gil treated him for a corneal abrasion and actually gave him two Percocet to take home for this bunch of nothing. The first visit was recon to see which doctor was on and ascertain the likelihood of getting narcotics.
3. Mom came in at 10 PM with her 4 year old. Her complaint? " I filleted my thumb". It was barely bleeding. She had taken out her pink jack-knife while in the car to cut a straw for her child's soda. Her main concern was procuring a spoon so her daughter could eat her ice cream before it melted. Question: why are you feeding soda and ice cream to a 4 year old at 10 PM, and why are you using a jack-knife to cut...oh, never mind.
It was a nothing to suture, but Mac put on some Surgicel and wrapped the shit out of it. I couldn't believe that he actually wrote a 'script for Tylenol with Codeine for this. I reminded him that the woman was on methadone. Oops. He ripped it up.
4. This mom brought the 5 year old daughter to get her completely checked out. Some hours previously, the kid had gotten her finger stuck in some plastic toy at daycare, and they had urged mom to get it looked at to be sure it was not broken or going to get infected. It was a barely visible puncture wound. Because Mom needed "bandages and wrapping" for this incredibly serious wound she stopped at the local pharmacy. While in the parking lot, the daughter ran into / tripped over/ brushed against / or was nowhere near some crates carelessly strewn about by the Mountain Dew delivery guy. Absolutely mom should get the kid checked out for trauma at the local ER, and mom would "get some coupons for Mountain Dew". No bleeding, no wounds, no serious owwies, contusions or dirt was found anywhere on the child.
I see morons. They're everywhere....they don't know they're morons.
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