Monday, February 11, 2013
Oh Look! EDNurseasuarus Has a Blinking Skeleton!
How do I turn that annoying thing off? It never USED to blink, then one day, suddenly, I have have a blinking skeleton inside the body of my dinosaur. If you know how to get it to quit I would appreciate the information. Thanks!
Always a Nurse
Text exchange with Partner in Crime, who had the weekend off:
PIC: So here I am at the Mexican Restaurant and I can't even drink in peace. One of the line cooks has a seizure and my sister volunteers my assistance.
Me: WTF?! You go girl! I hope they comp your tab
PIC: Me too! I have had two beers since then
Me: "I don't often have seizures.....but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis"
PIC: Hahahahaha!
PIC: So here I am at the Mexican Restaurant and I can't even drink in peace. One of the line cooks has a seizure and my sister volunteers my assistance.
Me: WTF?! You go girl! I hope they comp your tab
PIC: Me too! I have had two beers since then
Me: "I don't often have seizures.....but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis"
PIC: Hahahahaha!
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Nor'easter Notes
Ever wonder who goes to the ER in the middle of "The Storm of the Century"?
1. Plow-guy who cut his hand in a snow blower
2. Man Cold
3. 15 year old not-sick girl with "sores in my mouth for two days since I drank out the glass of somebody at school who I found out had mono". Mom didn't want to wait around for the mono test because "The steak house is closing in an hour and I don't want to have to cook".
4. 16 year old who had "bladder pain" for 10 minutes. Because she was prostrate with pain and walked like the letter "C" between texting her friends and updating her Facebook status, she bought herself an abdominal pain workup. When she asked if the IV would hurt, I said, "well, it's a needle, it's gonna pinch for a second". Mom, on the other side of the bed grasping her daughter's hand and smoothing her hair assured her "it's just a tiny needle, they need to find out what's wrong with you", while the daughter moaned loudly, "I DON'T WANT AN IV! I DON'T WANT AN IV! TAKE ME HOME" whereupon mom told her, "Well, we need to know what's going on in case you need surgery"...WTF?? Who said anything about surgery? which made the kid ramp right up. This 16 year old SHRIEKED when the IV was started and continued to sob about how awful it was for a long time, completely forgetting about her horrible bladder pain. I vaguely remember muttering something about putting on big girl panties and handed mom a couple of People magazines suggesting that perhaps she could read her daughter something to distract her as constantly calling attention to the issue clearly wasn't helping. She was WAY over the top drama and mom was enabling.
"Is she completely unstable?" I asked New Cathy, who merely rolled her eyes. She eventually got Ativan and a completely negative workup. She was our last patient of the night 3 hours before we closed.
The two of us, plus the doc, stayed overnight and worked the day shift. The secretary called in snowbound but we had a contingency lined up for that. We didn't count on Wednesday, that moron, staying over, sleeping in until 9:30 or so, hanging around and not cleaning 2 feet of snow off her car. Did I mention she wasn't even working?
We never saw a soul until 11:30 AM because people wisely stayed off the road, all the ambulance calls went straight downtown as ACTUAL EMERGENCY patients, and the Lady on Elm St. had already already used up her Big White Taxi with the Flashy Lights Ticket the day before.
I was actually bored.
1. Plow-guy who cut his hand in a snow blower
2. Man Cold
3. 15 year old not-sick girl with "sores in my mouth for two days since I drank out the glass of somebody at school who I found out had mono". Mom didn't want to wait around for the mono test because "The steak house is closing in an hour and I don't want to have to cook".
4. 16 year old who had "bladder pain" for 10 minutes. Because she was prostrate with pain and walked like the letter "C" between texting her friends and updating her Facebook status, she bought herself an abdominal pain workup. When she asked if the IV would hurt, I said, "well, it's a needle, it's gonna pinch for a second". Mom, on the other side of the bed grasping her daughter's hand and smoothing her hair assured her "it's just a tiny needle, they need to find out what's wrong with you", while the daughter moaned loudly, "I DON'T WANT AN IV! I DON'T WANT AN IV! TAKE ME HOME" whereupon mom told her, "Well, we need to know what's going on in case you need surgery"...WTF?? Who said anything about surgery? which made the kid ramp right up. This 16 year old SHRIEKED when the IV was started and continued to sob about how awful it was for a long time, completely forgetting about her horrible bladder pain. I vaguely remember muttering something about putting on big girl panties and handed mom a couple of People magazines suggesting that perhaps she could read her daughter something to distract her as constantly calling attention to the issue clearly wasn't helping. She was WAY over the top drama and mom was enabling.
"Is she completely unstable?" I asked New Cathy, who merely rolled her eyes. She eventually got Ativan and a completely negative workup. She was our last patient of the night 3 hours before we closed.
The two of us, plus the doc, stayed overnight and worked the day shift. The secretary called in snowbound but we had a contingency lined up for that. We didn't count on Wednesday, that moron, staying over, sleeping in until 9:30 or so, hanging around and not cleaning 2 feet of snow off her car. Did I mention she wasn't even working?
We never saw a soul until 11:30 AM because people wisely stayed off the road, all the ambulance calls went straight downtown as ACTUAL EMERGENCY patients, and the Lady on Elm St. had already already used up her Big White Taxi with the Flashy Lights Ticket the day before.
I was actually bored.
Friday, February 8, 2013
The Crayzee Whisperer
Picture, if you will, the crazy Area 51 mad scientist in the movie "Independence Day". Ok, don't bother; I'll just show you.
This was the face that caused a bunch of ruckus, yelling and shouting and intimidating our new secretary. Never mind that the guy was in his 70's, Gil did it; he called police to help the man regain control. It was very busy so he cooled his heels until I came on shift about an hour later. Yeah, sure send in the one nurse in the department LEAST likely to de-escalate an irate human being.
He was a cellulitis recheck and IV antibiotic patient who apparently didn't really understand that retrning to the ER for a reevaluation doesn't mean the following: being seen immediately and ahead of sicker patients, or the visit taking less than 30 minutes (especially if there is not an existing IV). Here life often moves at the speed of paperwork, which I had some trouble accessing since Mr. Doe had been previously seen downtown. I rapidly straightened it out and went to talk with him having been elected the Christian to step into the arena with the lions.
I introduced myself and told him what I was going to do, whereupon he launched into an accounting of how he had the cops called on him and wanted to know who did it. He was pretty sure it was the doctor whom he referred to as "that putz"
Me: "Oh, I'm not sure. I just came in, I heard that you were a little upset though. I apologize for the wait"
Mr Doe was understandably angry, but tried very hard not to direct it to me: "I understand that it's not your fault. It's unbelievable really. It's like one big Kafka novel".
Me: "You're having your own private metamorphosis?" It's the only Kafka I have read. Not a fan, really. The idea of a giant insect gave me bad dreams.
Mr. Doe: "No, no, it's the surrealism. We're at the whim of the bureaucrats, pushing paper, making rules and decrees..."
He continued in this vein for some time while I nodded and smiled and said "Oh, sure", and "that's very interesting".
Mr. Doe had lots of interesting things to say, most of which seemed to be rambling. "We would be arrested in 13 nations for saying anything about the Holocaust", having a diverse opinion would cost him tenure, how he had written books. Some of it had a ring of truth to it, some not so much.
He seemed to have forgotten his earlier ire and warmed up to me, and by the time he was finished I had him eating out of my hand. I was the greatest thing since sliced bread and he was going to speak to my boss about getting me a raise. He apologized for scaring people but still harbored some animosity toward Gil.
"Ok, that's cool. I'm here tomorrow after 3 PM, so when you come back for your recheck ask for me and I'll get you right back to a room, mmmkay?"
The following day he arrived on schedule and asked for me, "the best nurse who works here". Jules was horrified when I asked, "So, where are you on the Grumpy meter today?". She had not seen that he was actually wearing a bright green tshirt with a picture of Grumpy with a meter to measure his grumpiness. He smiled mischievously and asked if "the Putz" was working today.
Nope.
He was a cellulitis recheck and IV antibiotic patient who apparently didn't really understand that retrning to the ER for a reevaluation doesn't mean the following: being seen immediately and ahead of sicker patients, or the visit taking less than 30 minutes (especially if there is not an existing IV). Here life often moves at the speed of paperwork, which I had some trouble accessing since Mr. Doe had been previously seen downtown. I rapidly straightened it out and went to talk with him having been elected the Christian to step into the arena with the lions.
I introduced myself and told him what I was going to do, whereupon he launched into an accounting of how he had the cops called on him and wanted to know who did it. He was pretty sure it was the doctor whom he referred to as "that putz"
Me: "Oh, I'm not sure. I just came in, I heard that you were a little upset though. I apologize for the wait"
Mr Doe was understandably angry, but tried very hard not to direct it to me: "I understand that it's not your fault. It's unbelievable really. It's like one big Kafka novel".
Me: "You're having your own private metamorphosis?" It's the only Kafka I have read. Not a fan, really. The idea of a giant insect gave me bad dreams.
Mr. Doe: "No, no, it's the surrealism. We're at the whim of the bureaucrats, pushing paper, making rules and decrees..."
He continued in this vein for some time while I nodded and smiled and said "Oh, sure", and "that's very interesting".
Mr. Doe had lots of interesting things to say, most of which seemed to be rambling. "We would be arrested in 13 nations for saying anything about the Holocaust", having a diverse opinion would cost him tenure, how he had written books. Some of it had a ring of truth to it, some not so much.
He seemed to have forgotten his earlier ire and warmed up to me, and by the time he was finished I had him eating out of my hand. I was the greatest thing since sliced bread and he was going to speak to my boss about getting me a raise. He apologized for scaring people but still harbored some animosity toward Gil.
"Ok, that's cool. I'm here tomorrow after 3 PM, so when you come back for your recheck ask for me and I'll get you right back to a room, mmmkay?"
The following day he arrived on schedule and asked for me, "the best nurse who works here". Jules was horrified when I asked, "So, where are you on the Grumpy meter today?". She had not seen that he was actually wearing a bright green tshirt with a picture of Grumpy with a meter to measure his grumpiness. He smiled mischievously and asked if "the Putz" was working today.
Nope.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Always After Me Lucky Charms
Of course one could always fall back on magic. In fact, I am considering adding Do You Believe in Magic? to mandatory screening questions I ask at triage along with Do you smoke, drink, use seat belts, have unprotected sex, use coffee, or in an abusive relationship. That would save some time. Discharge instructions could then include such choices as:
1. Adding a daily serving of Lucky Charms, which are Magically Delicious.
2. Make a visit to the Magic Kingdom. Lots of magic there.
3. Listen to the Beetles Magical Mystery Tour.
4. Gotta have you some Magic Beans
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