He Said It

ER tech was carefully mining for a vein in an old dude with multiple co-morbidities with shortness of breath.  In CHF. Who refused to take his hat off.

Old Dude: (between gasps for breath) "I.  Have.  Really.  Bad. ……Veins.  Go.  Ahead and.  Slap it"
ER tech: (therapeutically conversational, but focused on the task and milking arm veins): "Well, I really just kind of think that massaging it seems to work better.  I'm more of a stroker than a slapper"

Snerk.

Numbers Game

Statistics explained.  Best pie chart ever

I had racked up a some unimpressive stats one day and shared my concerns with the coordinator.

"Not happy with these statistics.  25% of my patients went to the OR,  25% left without being seen, 25% died, and 25% survived my nursing care and went home.  I need to take all the patients for the rest of the night to improve my numbers".  I had seen a total of four patients.

Coordinator: "Let's just take a page out of the "Hospital Administrator's Guide to Skewing Statistics" and see if we can make it all better.  We'll start off with an easy one.  How many IV's sticks were successful?"

Me: "100%".  I had done one all day.

Coordinator: "Good.  And how many codes did you have all day?"

Me: "None.  My patient who died was a DNR"

Coordinator: "And how many patients who were NOT a DNR died?"

Me: "None"

Coordinator:  "So, 100% of your DNR patients were appropriately allowed to die with dignity according to their wishes.  That's excellent.  And 100% of your non-DNR patients are alive and well, either saved in the OR, home to their family, or taking their 4 year old to buy another pack of cigarettes and a six pack".

Me: "I like this game".

Coordinator:  "I know, right?  So now, what percentage of your patients who left without being seen are likely to receive a survey and complain about having to wait 29 minutes while you did end of life care?"

Me: "Um, none.  I didn't give her one"

Coordinator: "Strong work. Of the 25% of your patients who left without being seen, how many had no legitimate need to be seen today in the ER?"

Me: "100%",  I said, feeling  proud of myself.

Coordinator: "See, it's not nearly as bad as you thought.  Everything is all sunshine and Skittle-pooping unicorns, right?"

Me: "Yep.  Taste the rainbow"

Coordinator: "Ok, so will you take the 24 hour position now?"

Me: "No"

Coordinator: "I thought you were looking for hours?"

Me: "Looking, possibly.  But not aggressively.  I mean,  I'm not willing to hunt them down and kill them"

A Good Day is...

….defined by the following:

The guy who scampered with the IV got boomeranged by police less than one block from the hospital

Only one drug seeking chick left AMA because she wasn't getting what she wanted, namely the narcotics the she felt she needed and deserved

I didn't kill anyone.

Good day indeed.

Because This is JUST What a Busy ER Needs…….

More cowbell.

Welcome...

….to your new BWOM locker!

  As you can see, the previous occupant has meticulously maintained it.  Unless these are gifts.

Inventory includes some journal articles, a jar of peanut butter, and a bra.  

Seriously??