You just know it's gonna be a bad shift when....

...they only saw 3 patients during the day

...the Lady on Elm St. already called the ER twice and the Complaint Line once

...the doc was working on his 3rd double in five days.

... the last song I heard on the radio on my way to work at the religious hospital was "Sympathy for the Devil"

Kids Can Be Tricky

Contrary to popular belief, I actually like kids;  at least the well behaved ones.  These are becoming increasingly rare.

Sometimes nurses have to be the heavy and hold a kid down for sutures, give injections, or start IV's.  It is not pleasant, and I always try to get the parent on board.  I have picked up a few tricks of the trade.

"You just give her a big hug; we will do the rest.  You always have the option of stepping into the waiting room if you like".  Parents rarely take that option, but they do occasionally trade off with the other parent if they are feeling less than supportive, nauseous, or look pale.

Hug= wrap both arms around those legs and hang on for dear life.  You cannot reason with an 18  month old when it comes to sticking them with a needle, trust me.

I have no use for a parent who tells me their kid "just won't take the medicine".
Really?  If you can't get Tylenol into a kid at 3 you have no prayer of control when they are in middle school.

I'm a reasonable person, so kids generally have a choice with me: "Take the medicine", or "Take the medicine".  They always do, and parents are awestruck that I can get a med as foul tasting as prelone into their kid.  You'd think I'd required them to eat broccoli.   Unlike broccoli, though, if you give it all at once to a shrieking, mucousy kid you will get it right back up in a jiffy.  Some finesse is required.  I just don't think there is anything wrong with having expectations for kids in the ER and communicating them clearly to the child as well as the parent.

Sometimes we come across a kid so cute even I get sucked into the Adorable Zone with the rest of my gooey co-workers.  It is like a tractor beam.

This little one was about 8 months old.  Just "cunnin" as my grandmother would say (look it up).  The other nurses made googly-eyes and baby noises.  Step away from the baby.   Don't make eye contact.  Don't....make....eye contact...

"Can you hold her for a minute?", asked mom.  "I need to run to the lady's".

Me: "Sure"

I took her into my arms as she regarded me with interest;  huge bright blue eyes and long black lashes framed by a tiny pink cap.  Little pouty rosebud mouth.  Must....resist.....

"Hello", I said.  "Want to go for a ride in the linen cart?"
Ms. Baby: (grinning hugely) "Hah!"

EDNurseasauras...On Answering the Phone on her Day Off

Apparently I answered the phone, told my boss I would come in to work and promptly fell back into a stupor whereupon I dreamed that I had just agreed to come to work.

I called the ER.

Me:  "Jane, did you call and ask me to come to work or was it a dream?  Please tell me it was a dream".

Jane: "Haha, yes you said you could work and you would be in soon.  Are you still coming?"

Me: "Weird.  I really thought it was a dream"

And so, Jane has learned that if she calls me early enough on my cell phone my subconscious will not only answer the phone but say yes to an extra shift.

Diabolical.

Enunciation

Sometimes text to speech programs can spit out some pretty interesting stuff.  Here are a few that I caught:

"Pt will present to All Natural eye associates after having been treated at Middle Finger medical center."
.....or we will just extend the middle finger.  Whatever.


"The patient appeared to be much older than stated age, frail and emancipated"
... but I'm FREEEEEEE!!!!!

"Pt was transported to XX hospital via anal screw (ambulance crew)"
oooooh...painful.


Yeah, that last one is going to be hard to top.

Ellen....on Answering the Phone on her Day Off

"It's so hard to say no", said Ellen after she was bullied into working a Sunday.  Eeyore, who by choice is supposed to work every weekend, routinely calls in sick at least twice a month.  Ellen has such loyalty and dedication (not to mention guilt) that she usually gets suckered into working since Eeyore's idea of finding a replacement is to look around her pantry ("Nope, nobody in here!').

Me: "Ellen, just say you have plans"
Ellen: "Well, sometimes I really do have plans"
Me: "Just don't answer the phone"
Ellen: "Oh, I couldn't do that!"
Me: "Well, say you couldn't possibly work because you just finished a bottle of wine"
Ellen: "At 10:AM?"
Me: "OK, then say you just had a pitcher of bloody Mary's at brunch"
Ellen: (giggling) "Oh, that would go over well.  I couldn't lie about that!"
Me: "Don't lie then.  Every Sunday morning, just put a splash of champagne into your orange juice and when they call, say you are celebrating Lucky Charms.  Tell them and you do it every week and maybe they will stop calling".